Problems solved before they even arise

So, the extremely tedious debate about Are The BNP Right Wing (yes) Or Left Wing (no) rears its ugly head again.

Luckily, I solved this problem over a year ago:

For the avoidance of doubt, “right-wing” used in the context of this blog means “a cunt who believes stupid shit”. Tedious wankery about whether the Nazis were socialists, etc etc, is therefore irrelevant.

Done, dusted, dealt.

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A very slight apology to American Airlines

Since this post I’ve flown AA, and they were only about 50% worse than British Airways (yes, I know the broken glass claim I made there – I saved gbp200 by flying with them, which is approximately my broken glass threshold). To be recommended, if the alternative is great expense or an Air France submarine.

(in the spirit of this apology to Turkish Airlines. Although on reflection, I generally prefer airlines where the pilots stop the automatic safety devices from doing things that would obviously be fatal. Side note: I absolutely love the fact that the plane crashed because the autothrottle went into ‘retard’ mode. Yes, that about sums up that particular triumph of design…)

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Hang Ofcom; they’re cunts

Two recent transactions:

1) I tried to get a phone line in a new house. BT Openworldreach, the regulated infrastructure company full of all the useless cunts who BT can’t sack because of the union (FACT, in a “I was told this by a BT strategy person when he was pissed” kind of way) charges gbp120 to activate a phone line if it’s gone dead – apparently this involves connecting some wires. As a result, the cheapie phone operators will only let you sign up without jumping through a trillion hoops if you have an existing, live, BT line. BT Retail charge over the odds, but usually either cover the fee or check with Openworld and discover your line isn’t quite dead enough for it to apply (this is done in an entirely non-transparent way). Ofcom believe that for Openworld to charge other providers gbp120 to switch on a phone line that’s *already fucking there* is entirely fair and reasonable.

2) having had everything enabled in my house, I tried to watch the movie channels on Sky+. It being 7:20pm, and the movie being the (excellent) Charlie Wilson’s War, which is slightly more hardcore than Bambi, the bastard thing asked me for a PIN to prove I wasn’t a recalcitrant child. Fair enough, I hadn’t set the box up to disable this, it’s only fair that the children of idiot parents be protected from the horrors of watching films [*].

After 10 minutes of failing to persuade Sky+ to turn off the PIN system, I had a look on the Internets; it turned out that Ofcom have obliged anyone who provides premium movies pre-watershed to fit a compulsory PIN which the actual fucking owner of the house can’t disable. Just in case I invite a child round, and it decides, while I’m not paying attention, to watch EVIL BADNESS on Sky+ rather than, say, my DVD collection.

…so I set my PIN to 0000 and left a sticky note on the Sky+ box saying “PIN 0000″, just in case any adult idiots happen to be at my house while I’m out/drunk, guess the wrong PIN, and lock the box out. Fairly obviously, any child that might be in my house – were I a Bad Parent, for example – will be able to follow the same procedure. And this wouldn’t apply for the children of a Good Parent, as they’d have the PIN still set on its default setting of ‘on’.

To recap: Ofcom failed to protect me from the impact of an inept monopoly charging insane amounts of money for something piss-easy, but did force my TV provider to make my life more annoying in exchange for providing absolutely no benefit to anyone.

If I were slightly more sociopathic and embittered, I’d probably join the Libertarian Party at this point.

[*] this is also lies, but lies that I’ll concede for the general purpose of the post. In reality, all censorship targeted at any age group is bullshit; I first watched an 18 movie when I was 10ish and 20 years on I still haven’t raped, murdered or tortured anyone…

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Actual terrorism update

An actual terrorist has been found with an actual stash of deadly poison.

But unfortunately he’s a BNP cunt not a brown person, so it doesn’t count.

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The MOJO awards

I’m surprised to see the Manic Street Preachers, Dinosaur Jr and the Fall are the key honourees at the MOJO awards.

I would have expected to see Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen representing the old guard, maybe Mark Knopfler and the Beastie Boys for a bit of 80s action, with Amy Winehouse, Mark Ronson and Pink for the present day.

I mean, I’m more Jewish than James Bradfield, J Mascis and Mark E Smith, and I’m not even eligible to make aliyah (well, unless my dad converts ‘back’ or I marry my ex, neither of which seem especially likely).

And yeah, I know Tim Westwood isn’t black, but all the other MOBO winners were…

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The Sicki vs Pierre

Best appalling-taste-disaster-2-for-1 joke so far is this effort:

My money’s on the special branch being the culprits behind the bringing down of this Air France flight… Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be the first time they’ve shot something that sounds French and comes from Brazil by mistake.

I’m trying to work out an appropriate adaptation of the Pierre the French fighter pilot joke, but haven’t yet got anywhere with it.

Although, idle gossip-ish-ly, someone who Knows About This Sort Of Thing (note: source non-authoritative) told me that Air France captains are notorious for taking a Pierre-like attitude towards thunderstorms, such as: ‘too stormy to land? Fuck off, you Canadian pansies’, ‘a tropical storm? I laugh in the face of tropical storms’, and ‘no weather radar? Well I’m not waiting another day to get out of fucking South Africa’

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Fuck you, you vile little man

Steve Uncles should be sent to a South African prison, and then be buggered till he dies of the bad AIDS.

I feel dirty for even linking to this

Chris Lightfoot was a brilliant, fundamentally decent man, and any jumped-up little cunt who uses him in electioneering ‘we’re not quite the BNP but we’re still vile little world-hating pricks’ material should be hanged, drawn and quartered.

I hate, hate, hate, the revolting little bastard.

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Batcatfucker

This is the best music video I’ve seen in quite some time:

…and anyone who disagrees is a cunt.

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Not in the loop

OK, so I tried to download In The Loop on Piratebay, on the grounds that that’s surely where one goes – but there’s fuck all there.

You’re the Internet, where the cocks do you get downloads of cinema-type movies?

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Perspective, people

I’m not quite Vernon Bogdanor when it comes to UK-constitution-ology.

Nonetheless, I’m not convinced that seeking to compel the monarch to reassert non-ceremonial power, purely because of a scandal that really doesn’t matter very much, is a wise plan likely to lead to better governance and general Good Things.

…and on the expenses thing, while it provides light entertainment and an amusing stick with which to beat appalling people like Jacqui Smith, you really are a massive twat if you view it as much more than that.

The people who run the country get paid more than a milkman, and take the piss on expenses about as much as the average investment banker or management consultant. Well, bugger me sideways, how awful.

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