Misinterpreting headlines for cheap laughs #131

Berlusconi says tackling Naples\’ rubbish crisis will be among his top priorities – \”fucking southerners, even their crises are rubbish\”.

Aborigines \’were used in experiments\’ – \”how much kerosene can one man drink in six hours?\”

7/7 friend had 9/11 photographs – \”where were the other 2?\”

The last one is a bit of a daft story, though. If having photographs of September 11 in one\’s browser cache is an indicator that one is a terrorist, then you\’re fucked:

\"WTC\" \"WTC\"

Hang the paediatricians

Occasionally, I think the daft Welsh mob who set fire to a paediatrician\’s house may have been – admittedly by sheer fluke – closer to the mark than you might expect.

Paediatricians Sir Roy Meadow and Professor David Southall, one of whom misled the courts and got innocent women sent to jail as a result, and one of whom attempted to get a woman\’s children taken into care on the basis of having watched a single TV interview with her husband, were found guilty of serious professional misconduct by the General Medical Council. Good – well done the GMC.

The Royal College of Paediatricians and Child Health don\’t agree. At their AGM, delegates voted for a motion suggesting that they had \’grave concerns\’ over the GMC striking off members of their profession who lie to get innocent people sent to jail. Apparently, that\’s seen as perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Dr John Bridson, who in an ideal world would have nails fired through his skull, says about Meadow and Southall:

They did not present a danger to their patients, they were simply doing their job in the way they thought best

Do you not think, just possibly, that sending a child\’s parents to jail for something that they didn\’t do might represent, y\’know, perhaps not exactly danger, but certainly not good things for said child…?

Yes, it\’s More Crap Terrorists (TM)

Another glorious day in the annals of the Thousands And Thousands Of Deranged Jihadist Fifth Columnists Trying To Kill Us All: a daft white middle class boy arrested with a house full of the crap Anarchist Cookbook bombs you make when you\’re 14. I imagine we\’ll find that he got caught after buying a sack of bicarbonate of soda over the internet.

And people are scared of these clowns? People actually give them more thought than ten seconds of laughter? For fuck\’s sake…

On Brown Gold

If you think Gordon Brown was wrong – and I mean \”wrong in a way that could rationally have been predicted\”, not \”didn\’t bet on the horse that ended up winning the Grand National\” – to sell off gold reserves, there are two possibilities regarding your belief:

A) you are on record at the time opposing the decision specifically because you believed gold would appreciate faster than a diversified portfolio of other options; and you have personally made signifiants amount of money trading gold over that time period; or

B) you are a stupid ignorant cunt who should shut the fuck up.

Even if you do happen to fall into the first camp, the truth is still that:

A) it makes sense for central banks to hold a more diversified portfolio of assets than just gold;

B) gold prices are more or less unpredictable in the long run, but they generally go up in times of economic uncertainty and fall in times of economic stability – so the only sense in which you can believe the current high price of gold means we\’ve \”lost out\” as a nation is if you think we should sell all the gold right now before the price falls again; and

C) setting up a nationalised hedge fund in order to do massive gilt price speculation would be a REALLY FUCKING STUPID IDEA just generally, never mind if you\’re a libertarian and disapprove of nationalising non-essential industries out of principle.

Although if anyone wants to defend the \’nationalised hedge fund\’ concept, do feel free to outline how it would work…

In which satire is misunderstood

Charlie Brooker\’s Guardian piece on the mayoral elections isn\’t the finest thing he\’s ever written, although it does capture quite well the \”yes, I know Ken\’s a bit dodgy, but at least he\’s not the other cunt\” feeling that appears highly popular at the moment.

[everyone I\’ve spoken to in real-world-life on this either believes in the abolition of all social benefits and the reintroduction of flogging, or thinks that Boris is a disastrous idea for mayor and would happily vote for a hyena in a red rosette to keep him out…]

In response, DK and Longrider have written utterly stupid articles – definitely unworthy of DK, at least (some people seem to like Longrider, but I\’ve never seen him produce anything beyond slightly less insane and witless versions of Richard Littlejohn talking points).

Both of them seem distraught at Charlie\’s suggestion that:

Now, even if the Standard photographs Ken carving a swastika into a dormouse’s back, I’ll vote for him…

Look guys, it\’s pretty simple. Charlie isn\’t not suggesting that if Ken is actually caught carving a swastika into a doormouse\’s back, he\’ll still vote for him. He\’s taken a mildly surreal example of The Worst Thing Someone Could Possibly Be Caught Doing, and then used it hyperbolically to explain his actual point, that his dislike of Boris Johnson is so strong that Ken would need to do something really unpleasant in order to lose his tactical vote.

And Longrider wins extra Aspergers points for the suggestion elsewhere in his \”fisking\” (it seems odd that someone a million times braver and more informative than these bastards, and who turned out to be right about more or less everything he was slated for in 2003, has had his name turned into an adjective for \”unconvincingly calling someone better than you a cunt\”, but there you go) that Brooker doesn\’t understand satire…

Kebab cannibal murder update: it was all bollocks

If you\’re a BNP fuckwit, you may have been spending the last year or so spreading the myth that Muslim chaps kidnap white girls and turn them into kebabs. Indeed, you may have been doing so in the comments section of this blog, citing a leak from anonymous Blackpool police sources to the local paper about an ongoing criminal investigation as their \’evidence\’.

If you\’re not a BNP fuckwit, it will come as no surprise to you to learn that said ongoing criminal investigation concluded with the acquital of all defendants, ordered by the judge on the basis that the police\’s evidence was riddled with lies.

Unfortunately, the story has almost certainly reached urban myth status to the degree that thick cunts everywhere will believe it happened somewhere, despite not having done. Which will almost certainly lead to more mistrust, hatred and violence between thick white cunts and the Saracen hordes. Which is what the BNP wanted in the first place… so of course they don\’t give a fuck that the story was made up all along…

Update: for the avoidance of doubt, I\’m happy to point out that there were no public communications made from BNP central office regarding this case. But if the people spreading the rumours weren\’t BNP supporters, then mine\’s a large hat doner…

Vote Boris: kill a child

From Boris Johnson\’s public statements about shootings and stabbings of kids in London, and his insistence that these events are somehow the current Mayor\’s fault and represent a good reason to vote for a different Mayor next month (perhaps a blond floppy-haired one), one might assume that Mr Johnson is strongly opposed to the senseless and preventable death of children.

Yet while the Mayor of London has limited power over policing and crime, an area where s/he has great influence is in setting traffic priorities and speed limits. Ken Livingstone\’s bus-and-cycle-favouring, car-delaying policies have been a major factor in cutting the number of serious pedestrian injuries by 500 per year since 2000. And Mr Johnson plans to reverse them in order to speed up traffic if he wins the election.

So, if you don\’t really give a fuck about the preventable deaths of children, then by all means vote for Johnson. But if you\’re letting the kniving and shooting hysteria sway you then you absolutely, positively, 100% need to understand that voting for Johnson on that basis will lead to the deaths of far more children than will be saved. And that\’s even if you had some reason to assume that he\’d be in any way competent at tackling child-on-child crime in the first place…

Holy fuck, this is quite moving, and it shouldn\’t be

Which dead fighter left this message for his daughter?

\”Sweetheart… I\’m going to really, really miss you a lot. I\’m thinking about it already. Look, I absolutely love you to bits and you have been the happiest thing in my life. You and your mum, absolutely brilliant.

\”I don\’t know what else to say. I just wish I could have been part of your life, especially these growing up – these next months, they\’re really special with you learning to walk and things. I just so much wanted to be with you but I have to do this thing for our future and it will be for the best, in the long run.

\”That\’s the most important thing…. you\’ve got loads of people to look after you and keep and eye on you. And I\’m doing what I\’m doing for the sake of our country.\”

Answer? With a couple of Islam references changed to patriotism references, it was Mohammed Siddique Khan, the total bastard who blew himself on the Underground in July 2005, and persuaded a small bunch of other idiots to do likewise.

But it sounds like any other speech by an articulate man gone to war to kill whomever his leaders told him to kill. I guess the point which needs reinforcing is that there\’s nothing weird, wrong or unusual about wanting to die for a cause – fuck, I\’m cynical and there are even causes I\’d die for. And if you think there\’s something weird about wanting to kill others while you do that – then doublefuck, there are courses in human nature that you need.

The bit which is weird about suicide terrorism in the UK is purely and simple that we think of the people who do it as being like us, but they think of us in the same way that British soldiers thought of Germans in WWI, Argie conscripts in the Falklands, Iraqi militiamen today, and so on.

Draw your own conclusions as to why this might be the case. Guardian readers should start from the perspective of George Bush and the Zionist lobby\’s desire to slaughter any innocent brown chap that moves; while Daily Mail readers should start from the perspective of the inherent murderousness of the paedophile prophet.

[yes, I know this is based on the same article as the last piece. However, it\’s two very different points that really, really, really, really don\’t need conflating; this one is rightly incredibly contentious, whereas the other one shouldn\’t even need making but does…]

Just for reference

Should you be one of those daft, paranoid cunts who believes [conspiracy theory a to z+n] about July 7, then read this fucking piece and then preferably shut the fuck up.

It is possible (in all honesty I still have my doubts) true that better counter-terrorism intelligence and/or fewer wars abroad and/or less immigration [*] would have prevented the July 7 attacks.

It is not in any doubt whatsoever, and if you doubt it you are as mad as people who believe the earth is flat and made of cheese, that some immature, cocksure, terrified, brainwashed, brave-in-the-wrong-way, maniacs got a car from Leeds to Luton, a train from Luton to Kings Cross, and then variously exploded themselves and 52 innocent people in nearby parts of central London.

[*] yes, this would imply less immigration in 19-fucking-65 when we decided to import Pakistani villages to provide cheap labour in Northern textile mills. Apparently, misguided industrial policy decisions made before race relations was even an academic subject reflect both the dhimmitude of New Labour and the evilness of all immigration and all Muslims ever.

Theodore Dalrymple is a despicable cunt, and if he gets murdered I shall throw a big party and piss on his grave

I normally avoid the \”I am even madder than Melanie Phillips, but because I am a mad doctor rather than a mad pundit my mad rantings have some spurious credibility\” gibberings of Theodore Dalrymple. Unfortunately, the Bystander, who normally doesn\’t dignify half-mad neofascism with links, linked to one of his articles, and equally unfortunately I clicked on the fucking thing.

Cuntery A:

While it is possible to argue that failed asylum seekers should be handled in some way other than by sending them to prison (though it is difficult to see what it would be other than de facto imprisonment until their deportation can be arranged), it is misleading to suggest that our prison numbers are swelled to any great extent by such cases.

This is \”I\’m too posh to be in the BNP, even though I agree with them\”-speak for \”if you\’re some kind of dago that wants to get in our country, you need locked up\”. If you agree with it, you should be deported to Somalia with extreme and brutal force, and then be questioned on whether you still agree with it.

Cuntery B:

The vast majority of the alleged abnormalities that have been diagnosed among prisoners are in any case of no explanatory or exculpatory value, and in my view have been made by psychiatrists with a vested interest in expanding their power and their field of activities

This is \”hang \’em and flog \’em\” speak for \”if you\’re a criminal and you did it because you\’re mad, that doesn\’t prove that you\’re mad, it merely proves that I\’m right and you\’re a cunt. I have no scientific evidence for this, but it\’s a fact\”.

Cuntery C:

\”The third category of people whom Lord Woolf was for a long time complicit in wrongfully imprisoning, in his own opinion, is that of people who are not dangerous. Here Lord Woolf demonstrates either his total lack of compassion, his utter indifference to the fate of those people who do not live on his private Olympus, or his complete lack of imagination.\”

This is actual, plain English for \”people should be imprisoned even if they aren\’t dangerous\”.

What a fucking, fucking appalling, despicable cunt. I\’d rather spend time with any one of the people Dalrymple (what a shame Anthony Daniels uses the family name of a worthwhile writer to dignify his bullshit) excoriates than such a pompous, puffed-up buffoon…