October 13th, 2009
Players:
PDF, an offensive Twat
X, a former Lover of PDF
Action:
[PDF and X are discussing PDF's romantic plans]
X: Z is quite pretty and might like you, she does have a boyfriend though.
PDF: That’s OK, does she love him?
X: No, I don’t think they’re going to last long.
PDF: This is fine. I’ve recently decided that it’s OK to date girls who have boyfriends, as long as they don’t love them.
X: I suppose that makes sense.
PDF: …because I’ve realised that with all my exes, they’ve had a boyfriend they didn’t love.
X: [looks sad]
PDF: What? You totally did have one…
X: No, I really loved you.
PDF [simultaneously]: No, I meant at the time I started going out with them, they had another boyfriend they were looking to break up with. Like you did.
Company: [brief slightly embarrassed and yet slightly life-affirming moment]
PDF [ruining it]: C’mon, you seriously think I’m Morrissey enough to actually think you didn’t love me? I’m aware I’m an idiot, but that was the least in doubt ever.
X: My friend’s coming back into the room now, would you like some more wine?
Envy my life.
Popularity: 6% [?]
Tags: I'd be the next Petite Anglaise. But less pretty., if I could write this kind of thing well
Posted in Miscellany | 1 Comment »
September 15th, 2009
So we’ve seen the snuffing-it of a tedious 1980s Hollywood star much beloved by women who haven’t yet managed to get over Dirty Dancing (yes, that is the equivalent of men who haven’t yet managed to get over Star Trek; no, it isn’t any cuter or less fucking tragic).
More importantly, we’ve seen the snuffing-it of the most entertaining celebrity cooking alcoholic since Jennifer Patterson (PBUH). Keith Floyd invented the genre of “confused looking but charismatic chef goes to foreign places and gets pissed whilst trying to make good food, make conversation with confused locals, provide entertainment and not die”, which is one of the best TV genres, and which is why Mr Bourdain [*] is so unmissable.
Rest you, Keith Floyd. One of my favourite pieces of Floydery was talking to my former flatmate about the chef in question: “oh yeah, as a kid I always got him confused with Pink Floyd”. “Err, you what?” “Well, they were both really wasted people that my parents liked to watch…”
[*] who, weirdly, is only nine years younger than Keith Floyd. Don’t die just yet, Tony.
NB: due to a combination of Wordpress’s shitness, my webhost’s shitness, and the inevitability of spammy twats, I’ve had to do various restrictive things to comments. Sozzard and that. If you comment, it’ll appear before too long, and it isn’t being censored, you paranoid fucktard.
Popularity: 7% [?]
Tags: everyone who programmed wordpress should be hanged, keith floyd, patrick swayze, tony bourdain
Posted in Drink | 2 Comments »
August 23rd, 2009
So I was doing a bit of drunken-Twitter-trolling:
Even if Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi was guilty, 180 of the people he topped were American and hence don’t count #anywayhewasnt
Of the remainder, 79 were non-Yanks who chose to fly on a Yank airline, and hence clearly of unsound mind #anywayhewasnt
On the other hand, killing 11 innocent Scots is still quite a bad thing to do #anywayhewasnt
At this point, Hungbunny won all of the internets and more, and almost drove me to give up trying to be funny about politics forever, with:
Unless it’s the national football team
Popularity: 20% [?]
Posted in War On Terra Firma | 3 Comments »
August 22nd, 2009
The CEO of pikey supermarket Iceland says:
Petty shoplifting has been decriminalised – it’s not really a crime at all, is it? No one suffers, the shop can afford it. It’s victimless.
He’s being sarcastic, whilst trying to make the case that actually shoplifting is v. v. bad. Unfortunately, he fails, by the means of saying something that’s obviously true and sensible.
Unlike most other forms of theft, shoplifting causes no harm, suffering or trauma to any individual. Even the extra staff time spent dealing with it is paid-for, work time. Hence, minimal or zero punishment for it is appropriate, as it encourages acquisitive criminals to switch from harmful crime to harmless crime.
(he makes the irrelevant point that a very small proportion of shoplifters sometimes use violence or threats against staff when caught. Yes, they do: this is legally classed as ‘robbery’, and people who do it go to jail.)
Popularity: 20% [?]
Posted in Miscellany | 2 Comments »
August 22nd, 2009
Tags: human ice cream
Posted in Miscellany | Comments Off
August 21st, 2009
Imagine a world where all non-violent crimes were civil, rather than criminal, offences.
There are some fairly obvious ways in which this would be better than the current world. I’m struggling to think of any ways in which it’d be worse.
(”rich idiots who trust Madoff characters lose their money” is a feature, not a bug)
Popularity: 19% [?]
Posted in Crime & Punishment | 5 Comments »
August 15th, 2009
Losing some money is a mild pain in the arse; going to jail is unutterably horrible. I don’t, and never will, understand why people think the latter is an appropriate punishment for inflicting the former (in the absence of violence, threats and/or home invasion).
Popularity: 19% [?]
Tags: jail, theft
Posted in Crime & Punishment | Comments Off
August 15th, 2009
The Editors (not the pretend-Kasabian band) are irritatingly good. Two sequential paragraphs, both full of utter, completely unrelated to each other, WIN:
The sad fact of American politics is that at least 35-40% of the electorate belongs in a mental institution, and there’s probably another 10-20% who are high-functioning retards. The Congressional numbers are no better. There’s no point in trying to make a deal with these people.
Also, I think the Obama death panels should be run like “American Idol”. Three sassy latte-sipping America-haters give their opinions on which grannies and babies die this week, and then the audience can place their votes by calling in to ACORN. The losers are allowed to survive for another week if they agree to have a Christian doctor forced at gunpoint to give them a sex change operation.
Popularity: 19% [?]
Tags: healthcare reform, the editors
Posted in Politicking, Yanks | Comments Off
August 1st, 2009
From the excellent Angry Young Alex:
if I imply that Libertarians have a problem with black people who advocate higher taxation, or that Jeremy Clarkson has a problem with people from Kibworth Harcourt who install speed cameras, I’m not technically lying. In actual fact I’d imagine most Libertarians are too busy getting angry about other people touching their money to notice creed or colour, and I’ve never heard Jeremy Clarkson specifically rail against Kibworth Harcourt.
…but obviously the smear sticks.
Can you guess the topic where the above is drawn from?
Popularity: 28% [?]
Tags: Decentry, smearing by association, that should probably do it for clues
Posted in Politicking | Comments Off