Filed under Miscellany

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer chap

Zimbabwe is corrupt, falling apart and run by a criminal madman. Laws mandating foreign exchange control are an inefficient and ultimately unsuccessful way of covering up an economy’s general failings. And laws against the possession of pornography are criminally stupid.

Nonetheless, hehe. If you had to pick someone to be condemned to an African jail for trivial non-crimes, I’m not sure you could beat “a slum landlord who quite literally got away with murder”…

Best Irish joke ever

Q: how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A: none

An innocent one…

but yes, it’s stolen from b3ta:

Anyone who says all our content is stolen from B3TA is a liar

For example, we discovered the bestiality-advocating sex therapist all on our own. This, however, is stolen from B3TA:

Q: What’s the cheapest, most useless crap you’ve bought?
A: Dvds off a Chinese lady. They were obviously going to be bad quality but i didn’t expect the Chinese man filming it to take the camera with him to the toilet.

This man needs an advice column in a national newspaper

Dr Newman K Lin is an awesome sex therapist. Like all the best advice writers, he avoids casting judgement and merely offers practical guidance. Give him a spot in the dailies…

(disclaimer: as one might deduce from the linked case study, it is possible that Dr Lin may be stark raving mad, an utter charlatan, or both. This in no way alters my opinion of his work.)

Any area where Richard Littlejohn goes…

Yes, obviously Richard Littlejohn is a lying cunt; and as with the Moslemhass crew passim [*], I’d normally not even bother mentioning his drivellings. However, since he’s lying about my direct experience here, with reference to the silly bishop’s no-go-area ranting:

All Bishop Nazir-Ali did was state the bleedin’ obvious. Yet even William Hague has attacked him, saying the idea that Christians are made to feel uncomfortable by Muslim extremists is not a Britain he recognises.

In which case, I suggest Hague heads a few stops east of Westminster, along the Mile End and Whitechapel Roads, where Muslim monoculturalism holds sway.

No it fucking doesn’t. The most Muslim bit of the area he’s talking about is just over 50% Muslim. That happens to be the ward where I live. I’m very blatantly not a typical Muslim by appearance [**], and I’ve not been given the slightest grief of any kind by anyone (unlike some people in some areas by some groups of other people).

The only sense in which Littlejohn’s assertion could be considered accurate is if the mere site of non-white people clad in funny robes makes you uncomfortable. And frankly, the fact that having areas with large ethnic minority populations makes bigots uncomfortable doesn’t strike me as A Terrible Thing.

Update: in a better world, Jamie K would have a nationwide column and Richard Littlejohn’s head would be pickled in a butcher’s shop:

There’s quite a lot of Poles on this side of Cheetham Hill Road. The local grocers sells tins of pickled pigs head along with Special Brew and other fine Danish products. That’s because it’s one of those Muslim no go areas the Bishop talks out of his arse about.

[*] I can’t think of an appropriate semantic variant of “anti-semitism”, for obvious reasons, so I’m going by analogy to ‘Judenhass’. This is more appropriate than ‘Islamophobia’ because the latter is overused to refer to anyone who doesn’t like every aspect of Islam, rather than people who talk like a 1933 German tabloid with the subject changed (or a 1250 English tabloid, if we’d had them. Doubtless Private Eye have done this at some point…)

[**] “typical” inserted through pedantry, since there are doubtless some Muslims who look like me. While it’s irrelevant to the discussion, I’m about as far from being a Muslim as you can be without being Christopher Hitchens: I just don’t like Moslemhass is all…

Morris genius

I’d not heard this before… apparently it’s a Hidden Secret Track on The Day Today DVD:

Bishop in “is a fucking idiot” shock

Where are these no-go areas for non-Muslims that the Bishop of Rochester is scaremongering about?

Answer: there are none in the UK, and anyone who says otherwise is a lying BNP twat.

Blah Winehouse blah

Not the first or last woman to be landed in the utter shit by being in love with one. What’s the ev. psych. take on why women fancy useless bastards again?

Still, the whole prosecution thing seems a bit harsh: I’d infinitely rather have the living shit battered out of me and then be paid £200,000 than, well, not (ditto for £20,000, come to that).

Seriously: blood money is an eminently sensible concept in criminal justice, successfully punishing the criminal, helping the victim, and not wasting taxpayers’ funds. It’s a shame we dropped it somewhere along the way.

[The problem, of course, is that many of the scrotes who commit crimes don't have any money. My modest proposal is to abolish prison, to make blood money the only criminal punishment, and to re-introduce slavery for a defined period of time for people unable or unwilling to pay blood money. Win-win.]

Bricking it #1

A perusal of my unread emails highlights this memetag from the Devil of people I’d like to smash in the face with a brick. So, without further ado:

10) Anyone who uses the word ‘memetag’

9) David Cameron

8) Anyone who stands near the front at a gig/rave/show and gets pissed off when jumping people collide with them. Join in or fuck off to the back…

7) Martin Amis. Note that while I may have the urge – don’t you have it too? – to hit Martin Amis with a brick, I’m merely adumbrating this desire rather than saying it

6) Somebody cleverer, more attractive and funnier than me (has to be all three, obviously), randomly selected from that reasonably large pool. Yes, that’s petty jealousy: I’m not a very nice person

Numbers 5-1 will follow at a later date. I bet you’re on the edge of your seat…