Pigdogfucker

(via)

I’m not a criminologist. However, if it transpires that the unfortunate French chaps who were savagely murdered in New Cross last weekend were killed as part of a burglary, then I’ll happily suck my own balls.

Even among raving loonies, that level of ultraviolence (not just murder, but this kind of murder) is reserved for people you properly hate, not people whose PlayStation you’re trying to nick. It’ll be mistaken identity or nefarious double life, mark my words…

If you follow Russian business, you’ll know that the despicable bastards who run Russia are currently in the process of stealing any vaguely oil-or-gas related assets from Western investors – currently, some crooks are trying to nick BP’s Russian subsidiary; last year, the government successfully nicked Shell’s Sakhalin 2 oil field.

Unrelatedly, a grumpy old sod got fired from Shell in the early 1990s and proceeded to sue them. The litigation was settled out of court without anyone admitting anything much, in the way that these things usually are – however, the grumpy old sod in question decided the best use of his now-copious spare time would be to launch a site devoted to hating Shell. Which he duly did. And subsequently, the Russian government’s ropey-as-hell attempts to take over Sakhalin (oh noes! environmental regulations fail!) relied on misleading documents posted on said grumpy old sod’s website.

So I hope the grumpy old sod in question lives long enough to be one of the first to freeze to death when the Russians jack up gas prices to $100 per million BTU…

[digresionally, I fucking hate it when non-cave-dwelling non-hippies slate oilcos for ‘environmental damage’. If you drive a car or use electricity, you have no fucking right whatsoever to criticise the actions of the oil majors; the problem is you not them.]

This is a funny picture. If you find the fact that one of the cyclists died makes it not be a funny picture, then you are a daft cunt. Apparently plenty of the readers of the excellent Failblog are daft cunts.

If I was called Mr Small Cock and I fell over a flower, I’m not sure that drawing the attention of everyone in the world to this fact through a ridiculous lawsuit would be my first cause of action.

Ah well, hope he enjoys the ill-gotten loot…

It’s good to know that Aussie politician Troy Buswell has never done anything inappropriate with a quokka. And who hasn’t induldged in a bit of chair-sniffing every now and then?

However, as dsquared says:

What would be appropriate behaviour toward a quokka? I suspect that different people draw different lines with respect to these eminently fuckable, football-shaped, edible marsupials. Who I suspect have a pretty tough time of it.

I’m slightly perplexed by the ‘fuckable’ – they look a bit small to me, but I’ll defer to the expert. Quokkas are certainly another illustration of the bizarre bifurcation of Antipodean wildlife: on the one hand, you have unspeakably hardcore versions of normal things, such as spiders that can eat your head and fish that can eat your whole boat; on the other, you have unspeakably crap versions of normal things, such as permanently stoned minature bears that die falling out of trees and birds that can’t fly or run. The quokka definitely falls into the second category.

At least according to Wikipedia, the quokka “recycles a small amount of its waste products”. What an environmentally friendly little fella – an inspiration to us all. Or alternatively, what a great euphemism: “no, I wasn’t eating my own shit in that German movie, I was just recycling waste products…”

If you find any of the following “intimidating”, “threatening”, or whatever pathetic term-of-the-day gets used to mean “oooh, I don’t like it, help me mummy”:

1) people drinking
2) people being drunk
3) people being drunk and loud

...then you are a worthless cunt who doesn’t deserve to live.

Yes, if people start actually threatening you (which means “saying they’re going to do bad things to you”, not “being loud and common within your earshot”), that’s a bad thing and they should be arrested. But as long as they don’t, then either shut the fuck up or (preferably) kill yourself and everyone who shares your DNA.

Does this connect? Oh yes, this connects.

...and I’m moving to Russia. That is all.

This is doubtless a sign of my heartless inhuman mysogyny, but I saw two news stories today that I struggled to tell apart:

Johnny Vegas sexually molests pretty young fan on stage and Elephant seal attempts to rape penguin...