Pigdogfucker

Via Popbitch, here is some spanking porn featuring Georgina Baillie (c’mon, do you seriously think there’s even a possibility this’ll be safe for work?)

From the “ooooooooh, outrage” Daily-Maily reporting of the story, I’d assumed the tape wouldn’t be funny.

The transcript, however, was laugh-out-loud hilarious – not because of the ‘he fucked your daughter’ reference, but because of the brilliant ‘doomed attempt to stop digging’ lines afterwards:

RB: “Oh no that’s over for me. I’m never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we’ve made the situation worse.”

JR: “Who’d have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse.”

RB: “How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences.”

JR: “Our intentions were pure.”

RB: “You know the only way we can make this better don’t you?”

JR: “Let’s phone him again. Let’s leave a nice message.”

RB: “Listen, we’ve got to make it better. We’ll phone Andrew Sachs back. We’ve got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I’m convinced we can make it better.”

JR: “What should we not mention, the war?”

RB: “Don’t mention the war, don’t mention his granddaughter. Don’t say: ’You only ever played Manuel’… Don’t mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We’ll just sing to him. I’ll make up something as I go along.”

JR: “I’ll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie.”

RB: “I’ve always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit

and:

JR: “Let’s use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology… Pretend you’re Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you’ve caused by saying that you jumped on a relative.”

RB: “Yes, you’re right Jonathan, you’re right. Only by doing the exact thing that we’ve done three times already can we make the situation better.”

JR: “If you learn one thing from history, it’s do not repeat your mistakes.”

RB: “Don’t repeat them.”

JR: “So let’s do it right this time.”

RB: “Thank God Jonathan.”

JR: “Maybe this time… I want to do the song this time.”

RB: “You’re not doing the lyrics. You’ll balls it up. And can’t do backing it’s not in my nature.”

Read the whole thing. If you don’t laugh, you’re a glass statue of a humourless monkey.

Update: I’d forgotten this one. Absolute fucking genius: if you don’t think that phoning a ‘shop a sex offender line’ and trying to chat up the operator is funny, you’ve genuinely had every element of a sense of humour surgically removed. I wish I didn’t find Russell Brand’s personal appearance and speaking manner so intensely annoying, because his work is comedy gold – and pisses off *exactly* the right people.

I felt sad about the death of Geoffrey Perkins, creator of Mornington Crescent, first producer of the Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, writer for Harry Enfield when he was funny, first producer of Father Ted, and all-round excellent comedy man.

Then, I read this paragraph of the poor man’s obit:

His credits as executive producer at the BBC included [...] My Hero, 2 Pints of Lager [... and] he also co-produced both series of Ben Elton’s The Thin Blue Line.

The tribunal at Nuremburg was willing to accept that Albert Speer was a misguided idiot who – despite being a good man of amazing accomplishments – blinded himself to the evil that he worked to accomplish. On the same grounds, I’m willing to pray for the soul of Mr Perkins.

But I hope there’s at least a fucking purgatory. And that they show non-stop fucking BBC3…

This is a remarkably moving story of porn disposal. NSFWish.

If not, here is a superb glossary, encompassing nearly all of the stupid things that morons believe…

I’m not bitter about not winning anything; fuck it, in another life I was the king of blogs.

I’m just amazed that thick, inept, illiterate cunt Dizzy Thinks (the second-most inappropriate ‘thinking’ based blogname in the world, the first-most being religious fundamentalist idiot Bel is Thinking) won a ‘would be the second-best blog to be turned into a book’ award.

I accept that blogbooks suck; two people who I very much like and respect have compiled blogbooks that were, in both cases, dull wankery for nobody who wasn’t a blogger themself. Nonetheless, the tedious ramblings of an IT-ist without any comprehension of politics, literature, philosophy, comedy or economics strike me as significantly less good than either.

[also, Wat Tyler of Burning Our Money fame, who won an award for Economics, is a dull lying fucktard who knows about as much about economics or accounting as I do about lizard biology. Which is very little. Maybe I should set up a blog about lizard biology which tells lies about lizards and blames Gordon Brown for everything that's wrong in the lizard world, then I'd win awards for best lizard-related blog...]