Filed under Crime & Punishment

Loved, chopped, whatever

Some advice lest you be unfortunate enough to be put on trial for murdering your spouse: irrespective of your guilt or innocence, it’s probably best to avoid phrases like “I loved her to bits”. They just have unfortunate associations…

“Making a stupid cunt look more stupid” now a crime

It’s illegal to name the boy who was photographed making a gun gesture at David Cameron, because he’s only 17. This didn’t stop the Sun; hopefully Rebekah Wade will be arrested (again), thown into prison, and then brutally murdered.

Making David Cameron briefly look like (even more of) a twat will almost certainly be the greatest achievement of this boy’s life. That’s quite pathetic. More pathetic is the fact that immediately after he made the gesture, the plods arrested him, searched him, found a pathetic amount of cannabis (£5 worth is barely even enough to see…), charged him, and locked him in the cells for two days until he could be taken to court.

It’s not exactly hard to make the comparison with another daft youth who was caught with cannabis, not arrested, not charged, and not sent to prison, is it?

I hope that if someone I love dies, I’m not a total prat about it

If someone I loved were killed by a drink-driver, I’d be justifiably pissed off. And if that drink driver were to be let off with no or very trivial punishment, then I might even be justified in using my spurious victim-fame to try and address whatever went wrong.

However, if the system were to work, and said drink-driver were to have their life utterly ruined by being sent to jail for six years, I hope that I’d have the basic fucking decency to keep quiet or to feel some pity for the poor stupid bastard – rather than going on the record to say that he should go down for even longer.

In short, I hope I’m less of a dickhead than Alyn Hopkins:

“Six years is what I expected because they are too lenient. This is not real justice – he took my son’s life and there is no way of bringing him back. The punishment does not fit the crime – let’s hope we can change some of the laws.”

Ten to one on that even if the poor sod had been hanged, Mr Hopkyns would be pointing out that in a fair world he would have also been drawn and quartered…

Taking over from faded glam rock stars

If I were a school caretaker from Cambridgeshire, I’d be justifiably pissed off about my two most famous colleagues. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn’t… maybe there’s actually a conspiracy by Cambridgeshire caretakers to take over the world using nothing but paedophilia and bombs…

Note to readers and lawyers: Miles Cooper has not been convicted of any offence and therefore should be treated with the same restraint as the gentlemen arrested on July 21 2005, the gentlemen arrested on August 10 2006, and everyone else who’s been accused but not convicted of serious terrorism-related offences.

“I told you no-one would mind about Tony Blair” (*)

I can understand people wanting to kill Tony Blair.

Generally, I’d expect said impulse to come from someone who’d been bombed, maimed and seen their families killed in the pursuit of his silly war, or people who’ve been falsely accused of terrorism, or who’ve been deported to murderous regimes on his say-so. In fact, it it seems to have cropped up in a pair of provincial fuckwits who’re grumpy about seeing black faces and having to pay an extra thruppence in tax, but still – I can understand why someone might want to kill Tony Blair.

It’s when they shift the focus to avuncular Liberal peers, that I feel they’ve gone too far:

A former candidate for the British National party stockpiled bomb-making chemicals and talked about wanting to gun down the prime minister, a court heard today. Robert Cottage, 49, also discussed his desire to shoot the Liberal Democrat peer, Lord Greaves, the jury at Manchester crown court was told.

(*) Title purloined from old joke

The ‘orphan’ defence to parricide

The Telegraph has a thoroughly necessary opinion piece about the unaccountable cuntishness of airport and airline staff (did you know that insulting a member of an aeroplane’s crew, even if done without menace, threats, shouting or disorder – say, pointing out to a hopelessly incompetent buffoon that they’re a hopelessly incompetent buffoon – is a criminal offence?)

The suggestion that this is in any way essential in order to maintain air safety is obviously bollocks. Post-September 11, there should be no way for any member of the public to access the cockpit. The doors are designed so that the cabin’s pressurisation holds them shut and would require 25 tons [*] of force to open. Unless you’ve smuggled a high-calibre gun on board, your chances of endangering the aircraft are zero. In short, you are presenting no more and no less threat than someone in a sandwich bar – so only a daft cunt could possibly believe restrictions should be tighter.
Anyway. The Telegraph comments thread contains lots of comments from people who are equally pissed off by the aviation industry’s utter shitness, and a few self-justifying moans from airline cunts. My favourite one of the latter is:

When you are on board an aircraft then the crew take on an official role that is quite unlike any role a civilian has on the ground. They have very broad authority, for one good reason.

They are solely responsible for your safety, and are thoroughly trained [for five minutes, after their hairdressing course - PDF] to ensure that safety. The average passenger does not know when he threatens that safety. Ask the passengers of an Air France Airbus 340 that left the runway in Canada and then burned why cabin crew need authority and respect. Every one of them lived to answer that question, thanks to the crew.

The argument is spurious bullshit, because if the plane is not in the process for crashing, it is impossible for you to endanger its safety. But I’m mostly impressed by the chutzpah of his example: the reason Air France Flight 358 caught fire in the first place was because the pilot fucked up and landed on the wrong bit of the runway. So effectively, the point is “you should obey us, because we’re incompetent idiots and we’ll probably kill you by mistake if you don’t”.

With that attitude, maybe the relevant commenter should join the security forces…
[*] For pedants, 250 kilonewtons. Also, fuck you.

Why the press are evil, volume 1003

A new study has found that crime is falling and that people aren’t especially scared of it.

Oddly enough, that’s not even how the (lefty, pro-criminal, etc) Beeb reports it. I haven’t bothered looking it up in the rightwingloony press…

Blogger writes most stupid and untrue thing ever

Last night, I wrote the following sentence:

Mr [Prince] Naseem, who is not a useless, worthless, waste of space

Even given the quantities of beer, wine and amyl nitrite that I’d consumed before going online, this is the most shamefully inaccurate thing I’ve ever said. Consequently, I’ve committed ritual suicide as a penance and will do any further blogging from beyond the grave.

For the record, of course Prince Naseem is a worthless cunt; sending him to jail was the right thing to do; the people he crashed into are irritating whiners (if someone who harms you gets sent to jail, you should be fucking gracious about the fact that – entirely because of what the person did to you – he is having his life destroyed, because that is what happens to people when they are sent to jail); and stripping him of his MBE is pathetic.

It’s not difficult when I go away

Luckily, there are idiots willing to admit their own idiocy wherever I go.

Today’s preferred idiot is Clare Burgin, whose husband was run over and slightly hurt by Prince Naseem, who is a slightly rubbish English boxer.

Because our courts are deranged, manaical, and don’t understand the difference between some poor sod who fucked up and some evil cunt who needs killed, Mr Naseem actually spent some time in jail for his bad luck (whereas if someone beat the shit out of you with an iron bar because they were a mental chav, they’d probably get off with probation).

Anyway. Anthony Burgin has come out of the whole situation without any serious harm. Mr Naseem has spent quarter of a year in jail. Mr Birgin’s wife, being a deranged mentalist bitch who deserves topping, thinks that the person who’s done badly out of this situation is Mr Burgin. She and he can fuck off; the only reason it’s disappointing they didn’t both die in the accident that marginally harmed Mr Burgin is because that way Mr Naseem, who is not a useless, worthless, waste of space, unlike the Burgin family, who are, would have had to spend even longer in jail.

And for hilarious comedy value, the mad cunts who run our honours system have stripped Mr Naseem of his MBE. Yes, Jeffrey Archer doesn’t get his Lordship removed for lying to the Old Bailey, but Prince Nassem gets a half-arsed bullshit honour removed for running over a daft cunt.

Update: this post is utter bollocks – see here.