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It’s wine and it’s fucking wahey, in a glass

Say what you like about Cuba – and the odds are, the more of a miserable cunt you are, the worse it’ll be [*] – but where else do they make a wine called The Castle of Wahey!

[*] see also, for crazy paranoia, all commentators about now, ever. ‘collapse of market capitalism'; ‘triumph of Bottler Brown’s ZaNu Labour regime’. Both of you lot are cunts: right now is a piece of mild shittery that’s happening. Tis all.

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Cock up your beaver

First with the news that matters:

There’s a gnawing problem in the British countryside – a giant beaver on the loose, wreaking havoc in southwest England. And his owner reckons there’s only one thing that can lure the lovelorn rodent back into captivity: the scent of a female of the species.

(thanks to Flying Rodent for title inspiration)

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Upholding fine British traditions

Brian Moore’s piece on Steven Gerrard’s arrest mirrors my thoughts exactly.

The only other thing I’d add is that this is another example of daft government controlfreakery. In the past, this is precisely the sort of trivial nobody-really-hurt, all-violence-thoroughly-consenting drunken punch-up that would’ve been dealt with by arresting everyone and letting them go once they’d sobered up.

Now, the rozzers more or less have to press charges, despite the fact that doing so will help absolutely nobody (well, it might help the ‘victim’ to claim some extra compo, which is presumably why he’s pressing charges. Well, either that or he’s just a cunt.)

And no, I’m not a Liverpool fan, nor do I particularly give a shit about Steven Gerrard – just, I don’t think bringing people into the criminal justice system for harmless alcohol-related disorder is a sensible use of resources, or terribly fair.

Update: apparently the ‘victim’ was a DJ called Marcus McGee. Good. I hate DJs, they’re all smug arrogant cunts who deserve a thorough beating. Shame he didn’t die.

Update 2: Not only was he a fucking DJ, he was a double-glazing salesman. Hahaha! And yes, it was indeed the ‘victim’ who started it. Hopefully a pack of angry Scousers will burn down his house.

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If I offered you Tim, you’d be wrong to say yes

…for the evil Tim does would be hard to assess.

And besides, he’s inclined to libertoonian-ness…

Have some middle-aged-retired-accountant-wars, m’dear!

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Bias towards reality

Weapons-grade dickhead Tim Montgomerie has a handy guide for cunts on ‘ingrained BBC biases’. Although most of them seem to be more like ‘areas where the BBC reflects reality':

Anti-Americanism and hostility towards Israel.

Hostility? To Israel? Why the fuck would anyone be hostile towards Israel? (use of Telegraph link deliberate: even they can’t spin the latest bout of murderous evil as the Palestinians’ fault…)

Support for popular views on climate change.

This one is kinda true – in that popular opinion on climate change is split, whereas scientific opinion (note: engineers and programmers with blogs are not scientists) isn’t, and the BBC doesn’t do enough to highlight the extent to which anti-AGW opinion is considered marginal among people who understand the science. However, I don’t think this is the angle Mr Montgomerie is coming from…

A constant tendency to see issues through urban rather than rural eyes.


The fucking country is fucking urban
. 81% of us live in cities or large towns, and 90% live in towns of some description. So of course issues are presented through urban eyes…

Christmas ‘are you a cunt?’ test

Excellently, Channel 4 is getting the Iranian president, Mr I’m A Dinner Jacket, to present its Alternative Christmas Message.

Now, we all know Mr Jacket is a loony. So opinions on the matter will be split broadly into ‘people who know Mr Jacket is a loony but think it’s fucking hilarious’, ‘people who know Mr Jacket is a loony but don’t give a fuck either way’, and ‘utter cunts who’ll get wound up by Channel 4 giving a PLATFORM!!! to this EVIL!!! HOLOCAUST DENYING!!! ANTISEMITIC!!!…etc’.

The Guardian piece linked above has a nice selection of the final group, exemplified by:

Incredible that they wouldn’t dream of George Bush (senior or junior) giving the address (thank goodness) so why go to this ridiculous extreme? A religious bigot from a hardline theocracy broadcasting on UK television, full of views that would destroy the very framework that allows such a channel to exist….Pim Fortuyn, you are sorely missed.

That particular comment has two excellent additional traits. One is the current right-wing bigot fad of pretending the reason they hate the darkies is because the darkies represent a threat to liberalism, exemplified precisely by Mr Fortuyn [*]; and the other is the implicit recognition that GWB is pretty much as bad as Mr Jacket…

[*] murdered by a secular white loony, lest we forget.

Update: somewhat disappointingly, the speech was nicey-nicey C-of-E moderate religiousness, rather than foam-flecked calls for the destruction of Israel and worldwide Islamic revolution. It’s almost as if the US government’s attempts to demonise Iran and its rulers ahead of their attempted war were ridiculous exaggerated bollocks, or something…

Niggardly prickmadam

Adam Laceky has an excellent list of words which sound like they should be rude, but aren’t, along with usage guides:

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“I’m a real horehound, but I don’t have $50 to pay a prickmadam to let me do the Dicky grind in her cooter, so you’ll have to excuse me while I go crank my hand organ.”
“Better not do it in the shittah. It’s infested with cockchafers.”

(he does, however, appear to have made up his definition for the phrase ‘dicky grind’, which only otherwise appears on the Internet in reviews of lapdancing clubs)

Well, that was fun

So, my ‘fix’ wasn’t exactly perfect – the Chinese hackers in question managed to put the site out of action again after a couple of days. Then, really terrifyingly, they managed to hack the straight HTML page that I’d put up as a temporary placeholder… surely that can’t, err, happen?

Anyway. If you visited the temporary placeholder site using IE between about Dec 21 and the afternoon of Dec 23, you might want to run a spyware and antivirus check (although presumably if you’re browsing the Internet using IE, then you’re running said checks every day of every week anyway, right?). Sorry about that.

More offensive content and a new theme shortly.

A victory for cunts

The sacking of Sharon Shoesmith despite having done nothing wrong (yeah, ‘damning report’ blah. Her department was clearly no more inept than most private or public sector organisations, based on the conclusions of the report – it’s just that most people get to hide their mild fuckups rather than having them on the front page of the Scum) is an excellent way of discouraging anyone vaguely competent or ambitious from ever working in the public sector.

I mean, fuck – she’s clearly someone who’s talented, has an excellent past record, and – vitally important for any manager – is more loyal to her staff than to the collection of despicable bastards who make up The General Public. And for some unavoidable and minor mistakes (yeah, with serious consequences blah), she’s lost her job with no pay-off. Anyone who thinks that’s the right outcome should be tortured to death by a sadistic Nazi and his brother, whilst a devious witch lies convincingly to the authorities that there’s nothing going on. If they then blame the authorities for their plight instead of the people who were actually responsible for it, then the levels of torturing should be doubled.

In which the Chinese and the Tories inflict punishment upon me

Some of you may have noticed that this site briefly (well, for 24 hours) disappeared yesterday.

Surprisingly enough, this wasn’t due to a hate campaign by pretend-libertarian-Tories, some of whom were less than impressed by my post on Damian Green:

Maybe if you removed Broon’s cock from your mouth I could hear you – and why not pull Mandelson’s cock out of your arse while you’re at it, you fucking shill.

Where on earth did you find this one from DK ?

Is he 12 years old ? He’s definitely got a lower mental age than the average libertard, who seems to be around 15 or 16 ( regardless of actual chronological age )

Bet you diamonds the cocky little twat is middle class and works in a ” service industry ” – i.e. fiddling with computers or sitting on his arse behind a desk all day.

PDF you should take the advice of 01:35 you really are a first class twat. Now fuck off and die.

Why do you let this twat post on your site? He’s a complete arse without a clue, it does you and your site no favours.

I used to pop by to your site for a bit of intelligent comment. Clearly, I’m wasting my time.

PDF is a fake who purports to hold libertarian views but is in fact a cutout trying to insinuate himself into the fledgling libertarian blogsphere for the benefit of his sponsor(s) (one of more of; a think tank or media enterprise closely aligned with the views/interests/funds of the EU or New Labour, some other bureaucrat/autocratic group with an interest in [amateurish] online subterfuge/propaganda).

Sorry to disappoint – I wish I’d been smart enough to pursue the strategy in the last one there, that’d keep me nicely in prostitutes and cocaine for a few months. But actually I’m just a grumpy twat who hates Tories, Labourites, sanctimonious cant and sanctimonious cunts, but who quite likes the rule of law and the tradition of a politically impartial civil service. Weirdly, I found myself on the same side of the fence as Richard North, who has similar views to me on these issues, if not on anything else.

Anyway. Back to the original point…

Despite timings, the deluge of anti-PDF-ery had nothing to do with the collapse of the site, which was down to Chinese hackers injecting spammy iFrames into my blog template to improve their PageRank and possibly zombify your PC. Luckily, they were sufficiently useless (or quite possibly my blog template was sufficiently steam-powered), that the attack just broke the site instead of parasiting forever as intended. I’ve now updated WordPress (from about 1.5 to 2.6.5. Yes, I was a very, very bad and foolish man for not patching things sooner and thoroughly deserve everything I got), and hopefully oriental hackers and necromancers will stay well away in the future.

The blogroll-suggestion-question is still open. The best site I’ve never heard of, or most embarassing site I wish I’d never heard of, will win some kind of prize. Possibly oral relief.