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Norfolk family devastated in elephant attack

Elephants clearly disapprove of incest and bigamy:

Two British tourists were killed in an attack by an elephant in Zimbabwe on Saturday, the Foreign Office has said…. A third Briton, the husband and father of the two women, was taken to hospital with serious injuries following the attack, officials said.

Perspective, and its absence

I like ranty libertarian Devil\’s Kitchen. However, this may be the most inaccurate statement ever:

The EU isn\’t a side issue: it is the only truly important issue in politics right now.

Now, let\’s have a brief think about what happens in politics that actually fucking matters. I\’m going to try and be impartial about this:

  • Crime and justice. Whether you think politicians are destroying innocent lives by not hanging and jailing enough of our out-of-control youth, or whether you think that politicians and the media are making people paranoid about paedos and cutthroats lurking everywhere despite falling overall crime, or anywhere in between, you can\’t deny it\’s an important determinant of quality of life.
  • Islamist terrorism, and the war on it. Whether you think that all Muslims need to be interred or they\’ll rise up and slaughter us in our beds, or whether you think Tony Blair personally murders Iraqi children, or anywhere in between, you can\’t deny that there are vitally important moral and politial issues to be resolved.
  • Peak oil and climate change. Whether you believe that every single climatologist has lied about man-made global warming as part of a sinister plan to destroy the global economy, or whether you believe that we all need to return to the trees more or less right away before we die (and that we\’ll probably die anyway), you can\’t deny that this is going to have a huge impact on all of our lives.

What about the EU, then? Just for the sake of argument, I\’ll accept UKIP\’s contention that the EU costs us £40bn a year, or 3% of GDP – under their own estimation, this covers everything from direct transfer payments to \”over-regulation\”. I\’ll also accept the point that – at least among some EU lawmakers – there is a drive to establish certain things that are legal in the UK at present and should remain so (e.g. Holocaust denial) as EU-wide crimes.

So, bending over backwards to paint the most damaging picture of the EU that I can, we\’ve got something which makes us 3% less rich than we should be and that might exacerbate our own government\’s attempts at restricting free speech.

If you accept those premises, then the EU is a bad thing – it would be nice if everyone were 3% richer and x% freer. But it\’s still fucking trivial compared with any of the issues above (and they\’re just a starting point of non-EU things that, as far as I can make out, everyone cares about…)

Unforeseen dangers of content filtering

Apparently, if a scary-looking bearded chap comes into your cybercafe and starts looking at terrorist websites, then trying to make him stop isn\’t the world\’s safest plan…

I\’m the Israeli ambassador, this is what I do

The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador makes the Bishop of Southwark look like a rank amateur in the \’drunken career suicide\’ stakes. Good work, that gimp.

Anyone who uses this function must be killed

Cash machines are a great invention. However, cunts who check their statements, top up their mobile phones, faff endlessly or indeed do anything else other than \”insert-card-type-pin-press-money-button-take-card-take-money\” when there\’s a queue behind them are evil and should die. How the fuck do you idiots manage to take so long? Actually, I don\’t care; just kill yourselves now.

Side note: the last time I was behind a crew of buffoons at a cash machine was at Gatwick Airport shortly before joining the security queue. Some senile American tourists with stupid hats and no apparent understanding of the concept of a PIN made my \”quick trip to the machine\” take ten minutes, by which time the security queue had doubled in length. To my amusement, however (and after several minutes\’ faffing), the machine decided it was bored too and ate one of the party\’s cards. Hopefully, that spoilt her holiday.

Anyway. As if the ways in which idiots misuse ATMs weren\’t irritating enough, some unbelievable wanker has now come up with the ingenious idea of providing computer games for the person in front of you to play. If this function is implemented, then battering out the brains of any cunt who uses it will not only be justifiable homicide, it will be a medal-winning act of charity and compassion.

Overly self-aware

I\’m not convinced that launching Skynet is a good idea. Just ask Miles Dyson

Laugh? We nearly shat

It doesn\’t get much classier than heckling would-be jumpers. Well done, people of South Yorkshire…

Happy St David\’s day…

…ya Welsh cunts.

Defaming a syrup

A Tory councillor has got into some trouble for making the following statement:

\”There are all different sorts of w*gs here, I don\’t differentiate between them but treat them all as though they were English\”.

Now, I don\’t approve of the sentiment of treating wigs as English. They\’re a shamefully foreign innovation, pushed by effete Frenchmen and ginger Scots. I\’m glad to see Mr Cameron\’s modern Conservatives taking a stand against the wiggy menace, doubtly emboldened by Dave\’s fine head of proper English hair, and kicking the speaker out of the party.
Nonetheless, it\’s a sad day for free speech when a local newspaper is so offended by the connotations of the word \”wig\” that it feels obliged to censor it from publication. I may disapprove of wigs, but I\’d defend to my death your right to mention them…

\”Making a stupid cunt look more stupid\” now a crime

It\’s illegal to name the boy who was photographed making a gun gesture at David Cameron, because he\’s only 17. This didn\’t stop the Sun; hopefully Rebekah Wade will be arrested (again), thown into prison, and then brutally murdered.

Making David Cameron briefly look like (even more of) a twat will almost certainly be the greatest achievement of this boy\’s life. That\’s quite pathetic. More pathetic is the fact that immediately after he made the gesture, the plods arrested him, searched him, found a pathetic amount of cannabis (£5 worth is barely even enough to see…), charged him, and locked him in the cells for two days until he could be taken to court.

It\’s not exactly hard to make the comparison with another daft youth who was caught with cannabis, not arrested, not charged, and not sent to prison, is it?