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Conjecture on assault

1) if you don’t want to be beaten up, then don’t start on people’s girlfriends;

2) if you ignore this advice, then don’t whine too much about the well-deserved kicking you get;

3) while it’s completely unfair that the donor of said well-deserved kicking should get treated more lightly by the courts if he’s a doctor than if he isn’t, that largely reflects the unreasonable harshness with which the courts tend to treat most people who dole out violence to cunts who deserve it. Particularly when all it involves is being knocked out and then whining a lot about “ooh, the terrible changes it’s made to my personality” in order to get compo.

4) if you’ve been convicted of a serious crime yourself but still allowed to take a responsible professional job, it’s really, really, really unbecoming of you to suggest that said doctor should lose his.

[also, while it's technically true that knocking someone unconscious for a few hours counts as 'beating them into a coma', it's grossly misleading in the context of a press article, given that the public understanding of a coma is something non-trivial that lasts for ages...]

[personal interest: have never knocked anyone out; have been knocked out for drunkenly behaving like a twat; didn't whine about it to claim compo or try and get the bloke in question thrown in jail, because am not an utter twat when sober]

Ubergeekery

According to the people around me, if you’re in a sleazy cellar bar and you write posts to your blog, then that makes you a bit sad – apparently I should be focusing on the fat chavvy birds dancing in a cage or something. Except for one of the people around me, but he has a blog himself. Bleh. This has put off the time before being asked to dance, but I think the time has been exhausted. But fuck, you’re reading it on a bank holiday weekend so you lose pretty much as badly as me…

Britishness quiz

In a tribute to the wise Lord Goldsmith’s excellent idea of teaching kids Britishness, Larry Teabag has a quiz on British values that every schoolchild should be forced to take.

Wrong discrimination, people

Reactionary Snob discusses the global media reaction to the Shannon Matthews disappearance, compared to that of Madeleine McCann. Apparently, the general consensus is that because Britain is so terribly terribly class-bound, we’re ignoring the Shannon story because she’s well chavvy like.

It’s not a surprising narrative. Other countries with equally or more rigid class structures (yes, the USA, this means you) like to pretend that ours is uniquely awful, as if “spending a few weeks learning to moderate your accent” were harder than “being born extremely rich”. And we like beating ourselves up over it too – hence fatuous nonsense like White Week, pretending that white British people are anything other than some of the most privileged people on earth and justifying BNP fuckwittery.

But the Shannon versus Maddy coverage has got sod all to do with any of that. The Snob has some thoughts on why – media fatigue, the McCann’s PR drive – but misses the most important one. Look at these pictures:

Shannon and Maddy

What’s the incredibly obvious point? Well, Shannon is/was very ugly, whereas Maddy is/was very pretty. In a society where everyone’s judged on looks, women are judged particularly on looks, children are judged particularly on looks, and young girls are judged on looks more than anyone else, that’s a far more potent and plausible explanatory factor than any class-based analysis…

Americans can’t take a joke

The headline is hardly news; it’s a well-known fact that joking with Yanks about subjects such as Vietnam, the KKK, 9/11 and Iraq is something that generally doesn’t go down well. As highlighted by the previous post.

[special PDF competition: £100 plus medical bills for the remainder of their life will be paid to the first person to go up to a New York fireman and go with "what's the odd one out of Vietnam, the KKK, 9/11 and Iraq? 9/11, cos none of the other victims deserved it"]

So my sympathy for pissed-up Northern Irish idiot Aidan Mackle is somewhat limited. Nonetheless, holding a drunken Irishman on terrorist charges for slurring “I’m Bin Laden’s mate and he’ll hijack your plane if you don’t give me more booze” is obviously crazy: if anyone, even for one second, thought the chap was a serious threat then they’re the one who should be locked up forever in a non-reality-based institution…

Update: I forgot to add that American airlines (small final A) are the worst in the world, that all of their crew thoroughly deserve murdered, and that for anyone who flies with them, being murdered by terrorists – or, indeed, being abused by an Irish drunk – would be a merciful release. Genuinely, I would rather fly fucking Aeroflot or Turkish Airlines than subject myself to another transatlantic flight on Delta, NWA, Continental or United. I haven’t yet flown AA, and would sooner grind broken glass into my eyes than do so, so there’s a small possibility I’m being unfair to them and them alone…

Best advert ever

This antismoking advert is absolutely awesome.

Not, I hasten to add, because I disapprove of smoking and think it ought to be banned or anything. I love smoking; I just don’t like the way it makes me cough, snore like a bastard, and not be able to run for buses. Rather, I approve of the advert because:

1) people who think it’s awful and inappropriate to make jokes about September 11 are despicable cunts who should be made to stand in pairs and then have petrol-soaked model aeroplanes flown into their heads, and anything which offends them [*] is a good idea;

2) it makes the point that compared with preventable, dull and silly causes of death, terrorism is deeply irrelevant, and so anyone who thinks it’s in any way important, or that Teh War On Terra is one of the major problems facing Civilisation, or anything other than “a few nutjobs are a bit annoying, and stand a chance of killing you that’s so small you’re more likely to die of a stroke from worrying about it too much”, is a fucking idiot.

(via. And yes, I know it’s old. What, you mean you come here for the latest news, not crazy rants and occasional links to bestiality advice?)

[*] within reason. 9/11, although it doubtless offended such people quite a lot, still wasn’t a particularly good idea.

Crazy legal shit

I’m sceptical that cheating in exams should even be forbidden – the skills required to cheat are far more useful in any of the roles that exams will equip you to do than the actual pointless crap that the exam is testing. Then again, if it wasn’t banned, perhaps it’d be too easy. However, the fact that it’s sufficiently illegal to actually get you sent to prison is batshit insane.

Also, while I’m not normally a big fan of car drivers, it seems completely outrageous to send one to jail for four years for running over a cyclist who jumped a red light. I don’t know why I bothered adding “who jumped a red light” – “total cunt who has no clue about and doesn’t give a shit about the highway code, their own safety or the safety of those around them, and who should be killed as rapidly as possible for the good of all concerned” is inherent in the definition of “cyclist”. In my world, every single one of the worthless bastards would have a bounty on their head, and drivers would get extra points for the most stylish execution.

Charlie Hungerford Massacre

I always thought he looked like a right wrong ‘un. Presumably Jim was part of the conspiracy too… it’s sad when your childhood idols fall down.

Washing machine rant

I really, really hate it when you wash your bedclothes only to discover, on removing them from the machine, that they’ve got detergent marks on them from where the tablet has failed to dissolve and get rinsed properly.

Not only is it a sign of a poor wash in general – but also, the only reason you’re washing your sheets in the first place is to remove the mysterious white stains…

Too little too late…?

From the amusing Catholic Church PR man love rat libel case:

But when she discovered a week later that she was pregnant with twins, he began to withdraw, the court heard.

I know that’s what Catholics are supposed to do, but I think the idea is that you do it before you get her pregnant…