Posted by PDF

Celebrity Banker Paedo-Rape Island

FCFT says:

The question everyone really wants to know is whether or not [UK banks] will be paying bonuses, bankers remuneration having joined paedophilia and X-factor as a national obsession

This has given me an excellent new TV idea… as above. Development starts now… this time next year I’ll either be a millionaire, or I’ll have been lynched by an angry mob.

But the beauty is, my lynching by an angry mob will also count as an excellent new TV idea.

The good thing about being busy is that nobody has time to be bad-tempered

…and other lies.

I’m coughing up horrible gunk, while feeling thoroughly dazed. Boo.

On the plus side, I’ve got my Twitter account back. Apparently they didn’t like the pig-fucking-a-cartoon-lady profile pic. Fools.

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World of meh

First of all, it doesn’t look like that Twitter account’s coming back. Motherfuckers.

Second of all, I’ve decided not to post what I was going to post, due to my sheer fame amongst real-world people. Damn you all.

I really, really, really need a lover. Someone who prefers men to girls would be preferable in this context. A girl who prefers men to girls would be particularly helpful.

(and yes, that’s the “ok for posting” version, despite its hideous embarrassement-du-fromage)

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Rule of thumb: Pressdram edition

1) if someone doesn’t know what “Pressdram Ltd” is or does, then the rest of this rule is moot.

2) if someone knows what “Pressdram Ltd” is, and is anything other than unequivocally supportive of its excellence, importance in defending all that is good and civilised, and symbolic importance in society, then that person is a despicable cunt with whom you shouldn’t have any further dealings.

2a) if the only equivocation is to do with its organ’s MMR coverage, then that person should probably be forgiven, but also educated in the difference between “this is safe”, “the government says this is safe”, and “a respectable journal published a study which said that this wasn’t safe, which was later proven to be made-up lies by a crook, but which we drew attention to in between the government denying the study and the proof that it was made-up lies”.

2b) 2a is the only exception.

That is the end of this rule of thumb.

Admin an’ that

Unrelatedly:
1) the site appears to have turned green. I might have done that; if I did, I was pissed and I have no idea why I might do such a thing. Someone leave a comment if it’s riddled with strange green-turning viruses or summat.

2) the motherfuckers at Twitter seem to have suspended my account. I’m not sure whether that’s because it had the word ‘fuck’ in it, because of my parallel career as a link-spammer, or because of my habit of private-messaging pictures of my penis to anyone with a vaguely female-sounding avatar.

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A vignette from the life of PDF

Players:
PDF, an offensive Twat
X, a former Lover of PDF

Action:
[PDF and X are discussing PDF's romantic plans]
X: Z is quite pretty and might like you, she does have a boyfriend though.
PDF: That’s OK, does she love him?
X: No, I don’t think they’re going to last long.
PDF: This is fine. I’ve recently decided that it’s OK to date girls who have boyfriends, as long as they don’t love them.
X: I suppose that makes sense.
PDF: …because I’ve realised that with all my exes, they’ve had a boyfriend they didn’t love.
X: [looks sad]
PDF: What? You totally did have one…
X: No, I really loved you.
PDF [simultaneously]: No, I meant at the time I started going out with them, they had another boyfriend they were looking to break up with. Like you did.
Company: [brief slightly embarrassed and yet slightly life-affirming moment]
PDF [ruining it]: C’mon, you seriously think I’m Morrissey enough to actually think you didn’t love me? I’m aware I’m an idiot, but that was the least in doubt ever.
X: My friend’s coming back into the room now, would you like some more wine?

Envy my life.

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100 Pipers at the gates of dawn

So we’ve seen the snuffing-it of a tedious 1980s Hollywood star much beloved by women who haven’t yet managed to get over Dirty Dancing (yes, that is the equivalent of men who haven’t yet managed to get over Star Trek; no, it isn’t any cuter or less fucking tragic).

More importantly, we’ve seen the snuffing-it of the most entertaining celebrity cooking alcoholic since Jennifer Patterson (PBUH). Keith Floyd invented the genre of “confused looking but charismatic chef goes to foreign places and gets pissed whilst trying to make good food, make conversation with confused locals, provide entertainment and not die”, which is one of the best TV genres, and which is why Mr Bourdain [*] is so unmissable.

Rest you, Keith Floyd. One of my favourite pieces of Floydery was talking to my former flatmate about the chef in question: “oh yeah, as a kid I always got him confused with Pink Floyd”. “Err, you what?” “Well, they were both really wasted people that my parents liked to watch…”

[*] who, weirdly, is only nine years younger than Keith Floyd. Don’t die just yet, Tony.

NB: due to a combination of WordPress’s shitness, my webhost’s shitness, and the inevitability of spammy twats, I’ve had to do various restrictive things to comments. Sozzard and that. If you comment, it’ll appear before too long, and it isn’t being censored, you paranoid fucktard.

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Would that it were

So I was doing a bit of drunken-Twitter-trolling:

Even if Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi was guilty, 180 of the people he topped were American and hence don’t count #anywayhewasnt

Of the remainder, 79 were non-Yanks who chose to fly on a Yank airline, and hence clearly of unsound mind #anywayhewasnt

On the other hand, killing 11 innocent Scots is still quite a bad thing to do #anywayhewasnt

At this point, Hungbunny won all of the internets and more, and almost drove me to give up trying to be funny about politics forever, with:

Unless it’s the national football team

When Sarcasm Goes Wrong

The CEO of pikey supermarket Iceland says:

Petty shoplifting has been decriminalised – it’s not really a crime at all, is it? No one suffers, the shop can afford it. It’s victimless.

He’s being sarcastic, whilst trying to make the case that actually shoplifting is v. v. bad. Unfortunately, he fails, by the means of saying something that’s obviously true and sensible.

Unlike most other forms of theft, shoplifting causes no harm, suffering or trauma to any individual. Even the extra staff time spent dealing with it is paid-for, work time. Hence, minimal or zero punishment for it is appropriate, as it encourages acquisitive criminals to switch from harmful crime to harmless crime.

(he makes the irrelevant point that a very small proportion of shoplifters sometimes use violence or threats against staff when caught. Yes, they do: this is legally classed as ‘robbery’, and people who do it go to jail.)

“We’ll sell it to builders, fetishists or children”

This is the best money-making scheme ever (watch all three):

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