Posted in June 2009

I\’m going to be as sick as a dog in the morning

Rudely woken from my hammered attempts at sleeping to discover that Sir Wackford Of Jackford was deceased.

Fuck, that reminds me – whilst SWOJ is a Q-ism, and Swells would never have gone anywhere near Q with a ten-foot pole, someone far more relevant, important and brilliant to music also just carked it. If you care more about Jackson, you\’re the kind of useless cunt who cared more about Princess Di than HST.

Whatever. I\’m listening to the Magnetic Fields, cos they\’re actually good, and sick, in both the retro and the modern sense. See, I\’m down with the kids:


You\’ve got a c*** between your legs

Telegraph blogger George Pitcher radically misses the point in his criticism of the Eye\’s current cover:

The new issue of Private Eye has Lord Sugar of Loaf on the cover in his classic finger-pointing \”You\’re fired!\” pose from The Apprentice, under the banner headline \”Brown in Crisis – Sugar Spells It Out\”. Sadly, though, the Eye doesn\’t spell it out and the bubble from Suralan\’s mouth reads \”You\’re F***ed!\”

This is a family blog, so I won\’t spell it out here. But since the Eye\’s joke rather hinges on it being the F-word and, for goodness sake, this is the risk-taking Private Eye we\’re talking about, shouldn\’t it have just dropped the asterisks and made a virtue of the gag? It certainly would have made it funnier, by its very bawdiness. The whole thing would have worked with Sugar\’s solemn face.

Err, George, you\’re a vicar, you must at least have heard of \’ambiguity\’, right…?

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When we have a republic, FlyingRodent will be king

This (as a response to \’ooh, we must understand BNP cuntwits, throwing eggs at them is bad\’, etc) is fucking ace:

I hope it’s not too extreme to point out that our granddads’ response to their generation’s Nazis was to bomb them and strafe them from the air; to shoot them with machine guns and rifles; torch them with flamethrowers, incendiaries and white phosphorus; to crush them with tanks, blow them up with grenades and high explosives and so on, and then march their supporters off to prison. I don’t know how people could’ve missed this, since we have well-publicised memorials at which we salute their courage for kicking Nazi arse so righteously, every single year.

Not that I think this would be a reasonable response to the BNP, of course, but it sure puts all this Oooo, we must understand the motivations of poor, misguided racists who consciously vote for Nazi organisations in perspective.

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Well, fucking duh

Is the BNP racist? Erm, yup.

(read \’n\’ link, for the good of eejits everywhere)

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Gimpy nonsense waste of time

OK, so I\’m now on Twitter at Feel free to follow me, tweet me, invite me to your twibe, and whatever other shite one does on Twitter.

Anyone know why the Twitter Tools link on the right mightn\’t be working? I suspect it\’s because my host is utterly fucking gay when it comes to using whatever you use (\’fsock\’ or something?) to communicate with external applications – like, I had to specifically email the cunts to get Akismet working, and they still haven\’t enabled WordPress stats. But if you\’ve got another explanation that doesn\’t involve me having to explain WordPress tools to some slack-jawed Yank halfwit, then I\’d be delighted to hear it.

(I\’m also still awaiting invites to invite-only P2P services…)

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Problems solved before they even arise

So, the extremely tedious debate about Are The BNP Right Wing (yes) Or Left Wing (no) rears its ugly head again.

Luckily, I solved this problem over a year ago:

For the avoidance of doubt, “right-wing” used in the context of this blog means “a cunt who believes stupid shit”. Tedious wankery about whether the Nazis were socialists, etc etc, is therefore irrelevant.

Done, dusted, dealt.

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A very slight apology to American Airlines

Since this post I\’ve flown AA, and they were only about 50% worse than British Airways (yes, I know the broken glass claim I made there – I saved gbp200 by flying with them, which is approximately my broken glass threshold). To be recommended, if the alternative is great expense or an Air France submarine.

(in the spirit of this apology to Turkish Airlines. Although on reflection, I generally prefer airlines where the pilots stop the automatic safety devices from doing things that would obviously be fatal. Side note: I absolutely love the fact that the plane crashed because the autothrottle went into \’retard\’ mode. Yes, that about sums up that particular triumph of design…)

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Hang Ofcom; they\’re cunts

Two recent transactions:

1) I tried to get a phone line in a new house. BT Openworldreach, the regulated infrastructure company full of all the useless cunts who BT can\’t sack because of the union (FACT, in a \”I was told this by a BT strategy person when he was pissed\” kind of way) charges gbp120 to activate a phone line if it\’s gone dead – apparently this involves connecting some wires. As a result, the cheapie phone operators will only let you sign up without jumping through a trillion hoops if you have an existing, live, BT line. BT Retail charge over the odds, but usually either cover the fee or check with Openworld and discover your line isn\’t quite dead enough for it to apply (this is done in an entirely non-transparent way). Ofcom believe that for Openworld to charge other providers gbp120 to switch on a phone line that\’s *already fucking there* is entirely fair and reasonable.

2) having had everything enabled in my house, I tried to watch the movie channels on Sky+. It being 7:20pm, and the movie being the (excellent) Charlie Wilson\’s War, which is slightly more hardcore than Bambi, the bastard thing asked me for a PIN to prove I wasn\’t a recalcitrant child. Fair enough, I hadn\’t set the box up to disable this, it\’s only fair that the children of idiot parents be protected from the horrors of watching films [*].

After 10 minutes of failing to persuade Sky+ to turn off the PIN system, I had a look on the Internets; it turned out that Ofcom have obliged anyone who provides premium movies pre-watershed to fit a compulsory PIN which the actual fucking owner of the house can\’t disable. Just in case I invite a child round, and it decides, while I\’m not paying attention, to watch EVIL BADNESS on Sky+ rather than, say, my DVD collection.

…so I set my PIN to 0000 and left a sticky note on the Sky+ box saying \”PIN 0000\”, just in case any adult idiots happen to be at my house while I\’m out/drunk, guess the wrong PIN, and lock the box out. Fairly obviously, any child that might be in my house – were I a Bad Parent, for example – will be able to follow the same procedure. And this wouldn\’t apply for the children of a Good Parent, as they\’d have the PIN still set on its default setting of \’on\’.

To recap: Ofcom failed to protect me from the impact of an inept monopoly charging insane amounts of money for something piss-easy, but did force my TV provider to make my life more annoying in exchange for providing absolutely no benefit to anyone.

If I were slightly more sociopathic and embittered, I\’d probably join the Libertarian Party at this point.

[*] this is also lies, but lies that I\’ll concede for the general purpose of the post. In reality, all censorship targeted at any age group is bullshit; I first watched an 18 movie when I was 10ish and 20 years on I still haven\’t raped, murdered or tortured anyone…

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Actual terrorism update

An actual terrorist has been found with an actual stash of deadly poison.

But unfortunately he\’s a BNP cunt not a brown person, so it doesn\’t count.


The MOJO awards

I\’m surprised to see the Manic Street Preachers, Dinosaur Jr and the Fall are the key honourees at the MOJO awards.

I would have expected to see Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen representing the old guard, maybe Mark Knopfler and the Beastie Boys for a bit of 80s action, with Amy Winehouse, Mark Ronson and Pink for the present day.

I mean, I\’m more Jewish than James Bradfield, J Mascis and Mark E Smith, and I\’m not even eligible to make aliyah (well, unless my dad converts \’back\’ or I marry my ex, neither of which seem especially likely).

And yeah, I know Tim Westwood isn\’t black, but all the other MOBO winners were…