That Brand/Ross tape

From the “ooooooooh, outrage” Daily-Maily reporting of the story, I’d assumed the tape wouldn’t be funny.

The transcript, however, was laugh-out-loud hilarious – not because of the ‘he fucked your daughter’ reference, but because of the brilliant ‘doomed attempt to stop digging’ lines afterwards:

RB: “Oh no that’s over for me. I’m never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we’ve made the situation worse.”

JR: “Who’d have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse.”

RB: “How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences.”

JR: “Our intentions were pure.”

RB: “You know the only way we can make this better don’t you?”

JR: “Let’s phone him again. Let’s leave a nice message.”

RB: “Listen, we’ve got to make it better. We’ll phone Andrew Sachs back. We’ve got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I’m convinced we can make it better.”

JR: “What should we not mention, the war?”

RB: “Don’t mention the war, don’t mention his granddaughter. Don’t say: ’You only ever played Manuel’… Don’t mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We’ll just sing to him. I’ll make up something as I go along.”

JR: “I’ll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie.”

RB: “I’ve always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit

and:

JR: “Let’s use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology… Pretend you’re Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you’ve caused by saying that you jumped on a relative.”

RB: “Yes, you’re right Jonathan, you’re right. Only by doing the exact thing that we’ve done three times already can we make the situation better.”

JR: “If you learn one thing from history, it’s do not repeat your mistakes.”

RB: “Don’t repeat them.”

JR: “So let’s do it right this time.”

RB: “Thank God Jonathan.”

JR: “Maybe this time… I want to do the song this time.”

RB: “You’re not doing the lyrics. You’ll balls it up. And can’t do backing it’s not in my nature.”

Read the whole thing. If you don’t laugh, you’re a glass statue of a humourless monkey.

Update: I’d forgotten this one. Absolute fucking genius: if you don’t think that phoning a ‘shop a sex offender line’ and trying to chat up the operator is funny, you’ve genuinely had every element of a sense of humour surgically removed. I wish I didn’t find Russell Brand’s personal appearance and speaking manner so intensely annoying, because his work is comedy gold – and pisses off *exactly* the right people.

9 thoughts on “That Brand/Ross tape

  1. Alex says:

    “Yes, you’re right Jonathan, you’re right. Only by doing the exact thing that we’ve done three times already can we make the situation better.”

    This is great, it’s like George Bush’s foreign policy in phone prank form.

  2. spazmo says:

    When I make crank calls to OAPs to chat about porking their granddaughter the police threaten to have me put on the register. It’s one rule for preening, flouncy haired pricks and another for the rest of us.

  3. hmm says:

    You’d have thought someone whose main claim to fame is being poked in the eye by John Cleese would have a better sense of humour, really.

  4. Alex says:

    I think The Sun has the best spin on this story:
    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article1858875.ece

    “How dare they torment this national institution with their perverted fantasies about his granddaughter which you will undoubtedly be sharing over this picture”

  5. alan morton says:

    where can i hear the tape of Brand and Ross

  6. ezmerelda says:

    im so glad to find some intelligent people who also think that it was funny and not meant to be offensive…..and yes,isnt sachs supposed to be from the world of comedy…exactly!!!!!
    if i were georgina i would only be blaming myself…by sleeping with brand and working as a glorified stripper it would oly be a matter of time before i embarrassed dear old granpa manuel!
    an absolutely ridiculously over blown event …am beginning to think that uk is populated by the secret offspring of dear old aunty whitehouse (gawd love ‘er and rest ‘er soul) my saturday nights are ruined…

  7. ezmerelda says:

    im so glad to find some intelligent people who also think that it was funny and not meant to be offensive…..and yes,isnt sachs supposed to be from the world of comedy…exactly!!!!!
    if i were georgina i would only be blaming myself…by sleeping with brand and working as a glorified stripper it would oly be a matter of time before i embarrassed dear old granpa manuel!
    an absolutely ridiculously over blown event …am beginning to think that uk is populated by the secret offspring of dear old aunty whitehouse (gawd love ‘er and rest ‘er soul) my saturday nights are ruined…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>