From the “ooooooooh, outrage” Daily-Maily reporting of the story, I’d assumed the tape wouldn’t be funny.
The transcript, however, was laugh-out-loud hilarious – not because of the ‘he fucked your daughter’ reference, but because of the brilliant ‘doomed attempt to stop digging’ lines afterwards:
RB: â€œOh no thatâ€™s over for me. Iâ€™m never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think weâ€™ve made the situation worse.â€
JR: â€œWhoâ€™d have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse.â€
RB: â€œHow could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences.â€
JR: â€œOur intentions were pure.â€
RB: â€œYou know the only way we can make this better donâ€™t you?â€
JR: â€œLetâ€™s phone him again. Letâ€™s leave a nice message.â€
RB: â€œListen, weâ€™ve got to make it better. Weâ€™ll phone Andrew Sachs back. Weâ€™ve got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan Iâ€™m convinced we can make it better.â€
JR: â€œWhat should we not mention, the war?â€
RB: â€œDonâ€™t mention the war, donâ€™t mention his granddaughter. Donâ€™t say: â€™You only ever played Manuelâ€™… Donâ€™t mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! Weâ€™ll just sing to him. Iâ€™ll make up something as I go along.â€
JR: â€œIâ€™ll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie.â€
RB: â€œIâ€™ve always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit
JR: â€œLetâ€™s use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology… Pretend youâ€™re Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil youâ€™ve caused by saying that you jumped on a relative.â€
RB: â€œYes, youâ€™re right Jonathan, youâ€™re right. Only by doing the exact thing that weâ€™ve done three times already can we make the situation better.â€
JR: â€œIf you learn one thing from history, itâ€™s do not repeat your mistakes.â€
RB: â€œDonâ€™t repeat them.â€
JR: â€œSo letâ€™s do it right this time.â€
RB: â€œThank God Jonathan.â€
JR: â€œMaybe this time… I want to do the song this time.â€
RB: â€œYouâ€™re not doing the lyrics. Youâ€™ll balls it up. And canâ€™t do backing itâ€™s not in my nature.â€
Read the whole thing. If you don’t laugh, you’re a glass statue of a humourless monkey.
Update: I’d forgotten this one. Absolute fucking genius: if you don’t think that phoning a ‘shop a sex offender line’ and trying to chat up the operator is funny, you’ve genuinely had every element of a sense of humour surgically removed. I wish I didn’t find Russell Brand’s personal appearance and speaking manner so intensely annoying, because his work is comedy gold – and pisses off *exactly* the right people.