Archive for October, 2008

« Older Entries

Lionel Wright should be crucified, because he’s a filthy queer

Friday, October 31st, 2008

I was delighted to see Iran’s attempt at making the world’s largest ostrich sandwich, as a distraction from ‘being run by Islamist loonies’ and ‘vying with the Yanks to be the people who start WW3′. So I was distraught to see that they failed.

But Alex Armstrong’s gag on The New Viz, Have I Got News For You, that ‘on the plus side they do still hold the record for hanging homosexuals’ helped temper my distress at the news.

Ridiculous nonce Lionel Wright is apparently so gibberingly mad that, on hearing Mr Armstrong’s gag, he complained to the rozzers that it was, like, well homophobic, like.

Now, I’m no fucking Daily Mail reader, as regular visitors may have noted. But despicable, loathsome, subhuman pieces of excrement like Mr Wright are precisely the kind of bastards that provide equally nasty pieces of work like Richard Littlejohn, et al, with their excuses for the whole ‘hell in a handbasket, you can’t call a nigger a nigger anymore, your nan would be locked up by the PC brigade’ usually-nonsense routine that they thrive upon. Like Julie Bindel, they belong on the ‘these people are fucking well not with us – just cos they’re queer doesn’t stop them being fucking fascists’ side of the spectrum.

It’s unlikely the rozzers will do anything based on Mr Wright’s campaign, which is just as well. But it’s highly likely that his fuckwitted complaint, particularly in the ‘oooh, offence’ Mary-Whitehouse-wet-dream that we’re living in, will have yet another a dampening impact on media people’s perspective on free speech.

Solely on those grounds, if any retarded cavemen with a smaller-than-average number of grandparents are planning to head out queer-bashing at any point, I’d strongly urge them to target Mr Wright; I’ll chip in GBP50 for your defence and copies of Mein Kampf all round if you give it a go…

Oh, and this is also retarded nonsense. Whilst I accept the point that Georgina Baillie’s lifestyle has fuck-all to do with selling Playboy pants to 12-year-olds [*], the suggestion that Brand and Ross, by discussing whether or not Brand had fucked a porn star, were invading her privacy is rampantly ridiculous.

[*] although I did meet the former UK merchandising director for Playboy this week, who told me he’d met Jonathan Ross and thought he was a filthy pervert. Now them’s some credentials…

Popularity: 9% [?]

Posted in Meeja, Politicking | 1 Comment »

Inevitable; sorry

Friday, October 31st, 2008

This isn’t so much ‘funny’ as ‘un-get-out-of-your-head-ably-addictive-despite-obviously-being-wrong’. But it’s easy to confuse the two.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Posted in Miscellany | Comments Off

I’m going to fuck it and eat it

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

First Man: What’s that?
Second Man: It’s a baby fox.
First Man: What are you going to do with it?
Second Man: Fuck it & eat it.
Baby Fox: Eek!

If anyone can send me a scan of the Viz cartoon with the above plotline, I’ll give them oral relief.

Update: Justin gets oral relief. Here’s the cartoon:
Fox in a box

Popularity: 10% [?]

Posted in Miscellany | 7 Comments »

Bad privacy-invading comedian! Bad!

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

Via Popbitch, here is some spanking porn featuring Georgina Baillie (c’mon, do you seriously think there’s even a possibility this’ll be safe for work?)

Popularity: 6% [?]

Posted in Meeja | 5 Comments »

Why religion is great

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

When I see a rainbow, I think “that’s pretty”, usually followed by “I hope it’ll stop raining soon”.

When Stephen Green sees a rainbow, he thinks “time to get a-hangin’ some bad folks“…

Popularity: 9% [?]

Posted in God-botherers | Comments Off

That Brand/Ross tape

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

From the “ooooooooh, outrage” Daily-Maily reporting of the story, I’d assumed the tape wouldn’t be funny.

The transcript, however, was laugh-out-loud hilarious – not because of the ‘he fucked your daughter’ reference, but because of the brilliant ‘doomed attempt to stop digging’ lines afterwards:

RB: “Oh no that’s over for me. I’m never going to be king rat in the Variety Club. Jonathan I think we’ve made the situation worse.”

JR: “Who’d have thought two people like us could possibly have made the situation worse.”

RB: “How could we with all our skills, our social skills, our talents our experiences.”

JR: “Our intentions were pure.”

RB: “You know the only way we can make this better don’t you?”

JR: “Let’s phone him again. Let’s leave a nice message.”

RB: “Listen, we’ve got to make it better. We’ll phone Andrew Sachs back. We’ve got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I’m convinced we can make it better.”

JR: “What should we not mention, the war?”

RB: “Don’t mention the war, don’t mention his granddaughter. Don’t say: ’You only ever played Manuel’… Don’t mention The Bill in a negative way. Yes! We’ll just sing to him. I’ll make up something as I go along.”

JR: “I’ll be Bing Crosby to your David Bowie.”

RB: “I’ve always seen our relationship as a Christmas-themed hit

and:

JR: “Let’s use up the rest of his tape, this time with a heartfelt and sincere apology… Pretend you’re Gordon Brown and make a beautiful speech rescuing the country from the credit crunch and rescue him from the inner turmoil you’ve caused by saying that you jumped on a relative.”

RB: “Yes, you’re right Jonathan, you’re right. Only by doing the exact thing that we’ve done three times already can we make the situation better.”

JR: “If you learn one thing from history, it’s do not repeat your mistakes.”

RB: “Don’t repeat them.”

JR: “So let’s do it right this time.”

RB: “Thank God Jonathan.”

JR: “Maybe this time… I want to do the song this time.”

RB: “You’re not doing the lyrics. You’ll balls it up. And can’t do backing it’s not in my nature.”

Read the whole thing. If you don’t laugh, you’re a glass statue of a humourless monkey.

Update: I’d forgotten this one. Absolute fucking genius: if you don’t think that phoning a ’shop a sex offender line’ and trying to chat up the operator is funny, you’ve genuinely had every element of a sense of humour surgically removed. I wish I didn’t find Russell Brand’s personal appearance and speaking manner so intensely annoying, because his work is comedy gold – and pisses off *exactly* the right people.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Posted in Meeja | 9 Comments »

Chav stab chav. Yay.

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Katie Perry, #1 pop star, isn’t especially gay. She claims to have kissed a girl, which may or may not be true, but is primarily into gentlemen. Her song suggesting otherwise was written by British songstress Cathy Dennis, as a generic piece of Tin Pan Alley For Sale-ness.

However, this picture of her is hot:
I held a knife, and I liked it

As one might expect, the moronic press are grumpy. They say ‘oooh, but what of the knife crimeing? Oooh, the terrible toll. Ooooh, the end of the fucking world’. Etc.

This is bollocks.

#1: it’s a fucking picture, get over it. If not…

#2: knife crime is done by boys. If girls carried knives, the main impact would be to slightly diminish levels of date rape and domestic violence. Given that all other violent crime, in terms of incidence, pales into utter insignificance compared to domestic violence, err, bothered.

#3: otherwise, knife crime is irrelevant. Except mugging, which involves innocents and is bad and should be treated seriously. Nearly all actual stabbing involves despicable bastards who deserves to die stabbing other despicable bastards who deserve to die – exactly like gun crime. We should support this as a positive development in society, rather than worrying about it. If some intimidatory thick gangland cunt (and no, this isn’t a colour thing – I accept that in Peckham most of said cunts are black, whereas in Manchester they’re mostly white) stabs another one dead, that’s a tick in the ‘they’re not fucking shit up for the rest of us, plus if they kill each other enough then chav girls might breed with people who’re less awful thereby improving thing for the next generation’ box.

This leads into a more generic crime point: if you don’t thoroughly deserve crime, it won’t happen to you. If you’re not a pikey thug, then even mugging is extremely unlikely to happen if you don’t get blind drunk or chat on the phone while you’re walking down the street. You might get your wallet nicked whilst in deceptively safe surroundings (me, leaving East London and going to a bar in Notting Hill the other week), but serious crime happens to serious scum – and again, the only exception is rape, which is done by men of all classes in all places on all occasions.

If you’re a guy who isn’t a scumbag and is afraid of crime, you’re an idiot. And if you’re a woman who thinks that black chavs are more likely to crime you up than rugby-playing Old Etonians, then you’re an idiot too…

(via)

Popularity: 15% [?]

Posted in Crime & Punishment, Miscellany | 2 Comments »

Possessing or possessed?

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

A thought’s just struck me about the proposed (technically, passed but not implemented) legislation on possession of extreme/violent pornography.

At the moment, people are often convicted of possession of child pornography [*] after the police and their experts find deleted images on their hard disks (because pressing ‘delete’ and ‘empty recycle bin’ leaves the file on your hard disk until it gets overwritten by new stuff).

Legally speaking, is that possession in itself, or is it near-irrefutable evidence of prior possession? It doesn’t make any real difference to child pornography, because it’s been illegal for longer than computers capable of showing it have existed, so I’m not sure that the point has ever been debated in court (it could have theoretical relevance for pseudophotographs and images of 16- and 17-year-olds, both of which were criminalised only in 2004ish, but as far as I can tell only one person’s been convicted of possession solely of pseudophotographs, and he didn’t use this as his defence [**]).

But for extreme/violent pornography, it’s pretty vital: if you have a currently-legal library of horrible porn, and the government decides to bring the laws into effect, then in the latter case you can delete it and be safe. In the former case, you pretty much have to burn your computer to be sure of not falling foul of the legislation (overwriting the disk with zeros still isn’t necessarily enough, as it might be possible to read information that’s been overwritten on a hard disk by taking it apart and doing clever things with magnets). Which seems pretty fucking unreasonable…

Coincidentally, today’s ‘crazy censoring bastards who should be crucified news’ also includes this and this.

[*] indecent images of children if you’re the law; child abuse images if you’re dementedly PC.

[**] as outlined in this comment here, his defence was more along the lines of ‘what the fuck are you talking about, you mentalists, it’s a fucking cartoon! What, you’re going to convict me, risk banging me up and put me on the sex offenders’ register over a fucking cartoon? What the *fuck*?’. Whilst entirely reasonable in logic (and whilst anyone who thinks that owning pervy cartoons, even 3D ones, should be a criminal offence is a despicable bastard who deserves flaying alive), that doesn’t go down so well with courts of law…

Popularity: 6% [?]

Posted in Crime & Punishment | 1 Comment »

In which your host is a curmudgeon

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

Read this sweet, heartwarming story about a fire crew using infra-red cameras and similar kit to search for a child’s lost hamster. Aaah, isn’t it sweet?

My first reaction was – err, no it fucking isn’t, it’s a fucking outrage and whichever idiot fire crew leader decided this would be a good idea should be put on a disciplinary, since it means that if there’s actually a real emergency that matters then the firemen won’t be immediately available to deal with it.

Having re-read the piece a couple of times, it sounds more like the firemen in question carried out the search while off-duty. While I’m not entirely convinced they ought to be using expensive search kit off-duty, that would be somewhat fairer. However, I’m amazed that the fire brigade’s PR person didn’t point this out – her statement of:

The call related to a hamster that was trapped behind a wall. They got a Fibroscope camera and put that down under the floorboards to see if they could find it.

…implies a public emergency call, thereby cementing the image of her officers as cluefucks, whilst also encouraging idiots and morons from the general public to follow suit next time they’re missing a 99p rodent.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Posted in Miscellany | 5 Comments »

‘Earned’ vs ‘paid’

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

The Fat Bigot, as spotted by DK, has a Clarksonian rant about cars and driving.

To TFB’s credit, he’s not engaging in any “I’m too inept/lazy to actually look at the conditions around me, and so I got a speeding fine, and so the government are mean” patheticness – but he does go off on a massive silly rant about urban motorway speed limits (which are set to 40 or 50 because that optimises traffic flow, not because of T3h 3vilz…)

However, DK’s presentation of the rant provides a brilliant demonstration of the classic libertoonian fantasy, in which TFB is quoted as describing his car:

I earned the money to buy it. [...plus more which was, like, stolen by the government to waste on schools, hospitals, soldiers, and other awful things - PDF paraphrase]

Which DK concurs with as:

I’ve fucking paid for it

The difference between these two quotes, of course, is that DK’s one is correct and TFB’s is meaningless bollocks. In my ‘not writing pseudonymous shite on the Internet’ job, I get paid a lot of money. The idea that I ‘earn’ it, in a meaningful sense that’s independent of the government and society we have – and hence implicitly that I deserve all of it and that tax is an imposition – is complete and utter rubbish.

(and no, I have never worked in the public sector – that’s not the point at all. If you have a well-paid private sector job in a developed economy, then the spending decisions, regulatory rules, educational priorities and economic policies of current and prior governments still have *far* more impact on the fact that you’re doing well than your own abilities. To believe otherwise is ridiculous, nonsensical hubris…)

Popularity: 8% [?]

Posted in Politicking | 3 Comments »

« Older Entries