Pigdogfucker

It’s good to know that Aussie politician Troy Buswell has never done anything inappropriate with a quokka. And who hasn’t induldged in a bit of chair-sniffing every now and then?

However, as dsquared says:

What would be appropriate behaviour toward a quokka? I suspect that different people draw different lines with respect to these eminently fuckable, football-shaped, edible marsupials. Who I suspect have a pretty tough time of it.

I’m slightly perplexed by the ‘fuckable’ – they look a bit small to me, but I’ll defer to the expert. Quokkas are certainly another illustration of the bizarre bifurcation of Antipodean wildlife: on the one hand, you have unspeakably hardcore versions of normal things, such as spiders that can eat your head and fish that can eat your whole boat; on the other, you have unspeakably crap versions of normal things, such as permanently stoned minature bears that die falling out of trees and birds that can’t fly or run. The quokka definitely falls into the second category.

At least according to Wikipedia, the quokka “recycles a small amount of its waste products”. What an environmentally friendly little fella – an inspiration to us all. Or alternatively, what a great euphemism: “no, I wasn’t eating my own shit in that German movie, I was just recycling waste products…”

So, it transpires that the chap who got stabbed after starting a gang fight in McDonald’s in Oxford Street was a gangland cunt, who’d raped a girl (is “moll” the term for girls who unwisely date gangsters and then screw them over?) and burned her with acid in a revenge attack [*], as well as stabbing some other daft fuckwit in a gang fight.

This a) exactly what I predicted would be the case as soon as I heard the story and b) why I don’t give a shit, and you shouldn’t give a shit, about gangland crime – it happens to people who utterly brought it on themselves. If you don’t want to be shot, stabbed or raped and burned with acid by gangsters, then don’t join a gang, don’t shoot or stab people, and don’t date gangsters. Obviously you might still end up shot, stabbed or raped, but you’re decreasing your chances by around two orders of magnitude…

Meanwhile, knife crime overall continues to fall, although daft propaganda from hysterical maniacs remains on the rise. Amusing feature from the “fuck me, criminals are shit” file: knife crimes are twice as likely to cause injury as gun crimes. Maybe the banning of pistols has actually had a positive impact on crime reduction, ensuring that kids who do have guns have got no fucking clue about how to use the things…

[*] I’d happily bet £500 that the gang-raping-and-acid-burning transpires to be horrible punishment for someone who’s fucked over a gang, not the ludicrous “proto-CSI using acid to hide DNA” nonsense that the tabloids have made up and are spreading as True Fact. Sadly, William Hill don’t think it’s an appropriate subject for wagers…