Posted in October 2005

Unfortunate reading error

The BBC website had these two stories together (I know the article headlines don’t match: weirdly, the Beeb uses different headlines on articles and links…):

Soap actor swops stage for study
Fare dodgers could face £80 fines

Obviously, I read them as “Soapdodgers could face £80 fines”. Quite right too: there’s too much bloody Catholicism going on…

And in Toryland, it’s 1947

Tory hopeful (ha!) David Davis has announced plans to create around 60 new secondary modern schools. Not that anyone’s going to report it that way.

Incidentally, what’s Mr Davis doing? Surely to God he knows he’s lost…? Then again, if losers were to give up, the Tory party would be a marginalised and irrelevant little sect. Oh, wait.

Good decision

If you drive through puddles and splash them at people, you’re a dickhead. And being fined £300 is frankly lenient: having your car forcibly submerged in a large tank of water would be more appropriate. Unsurprisingly, the Daily Mail [not online, sorry] disagrees and has gone off on a “political correctness gone mad” tangent. Fuck that: having Daily Mail readers forcibly submerged in a large tank of water would also be more appropriate.

Evil puritanical cockbastards

Anyone who believes that banning alcohol on public transport would be a good idea should be instantly and painfully killed to death. Vile, despicable, nannying subhuman excuses for a government. I hope John Reid gets bottled to death by an army of drunks, and will happily fund the bottles for any such mission.

Incidentally, the same advice applies to all the idiots who believe that there’s a binge drinking problem in the UK. There isn’t. Some people like to get drunk. A smaller subset likes to have fights. Unless you live above a club, and therefore occasionally need to wear earplugs and sweep up sick of a morning (but got your house cheap in the first place for this reason, so actually you can fuck off too), their behaviour does not concern you. So fuck off and stop trying to interfere.

Bunch of queens

If you’re going to be an explodey-bomber, there oughtn’t to be enough bits of you left for a proper burial. As has been proven by many events, clearly the London branch of Al Quaeda are a useless bunch of lamers.

And sheerly out of boredom and annoyance, PDF puts out a jihad on them.

Lying to liars

It seems that lying to a hack is now illegal. I surely sleep safer in my bed knowing this edifying fact. And passing secrets to Iran.

Ah, shut up with your Rachels

If anyone else approvingly cites Tom Gross’s repetitive point about the PR that murdered-by-Israeli-state Rachel Corrie gets compared with assorted murdered-by-exploding-fanatics Rachels, then you have my express permission to run them over with a bulldozer.

Maniacs kill people and always will. This is sad and a problem, but fundamentally boring. However, we don’t expect nominally civilised governments like Israel to slaughter unarmed civilians (quite why we don’t expect Israel to slaughter unarmed civilians is less clear, but that’s a point for another day), so it’s interesting when they do. Why d’you think Steve Biko gets more PR than, say, Nelson Chisale? Or come to that, why Jean Charles de Menezes gets more PR than James Adams?

Actually, I guess if you’re the kind of person who believes that Rachel Corrie still gets PR when suicide bombing victims don’t because everyone on the left is a crazed antisemite, you probably also don’t understand why De Menezes gets that much attention. Sigh…

New-age or Nazi?

You so don’t want to call your hippy new-age film production company Stormfront.

Saddamy

Says the BBC, “[the resignation of Saddam's defence lawyers] raises fresh questions as to whether the former leader, whose trial opened last week, will receive a fair hearing”.

No, it doesn’t: there is no doubt that he will receive an unfair hearing. There is no prospect either that someone of Saddam’s infamy could receive a fair trial anywhere, or that a third-world state that was a tyranny til 2003 and now steers an uneasy path between theocracy, tribalism and outright anarchy could deliver a fair trial to anyone.

Long-stay parking

Great respect to newly-dead Rosa Parks, who sat down for her rights. And inspired the most brilliantly inappropriate tribute song.